Made it through the 1st holiday without him!

Well, Thanksgiving came and went even though my son was not there to share it with. He DID call a couple times, but it was still weird without him there. I know he would have been nit-picking my turkey and claiming he could have done a better job! Ha! THAT would have been more normal for me. I will admit that it was HARD doing all that cooking without my cooking buddy. By the end of the day, I was exhausted!

Adam said he got a good meal, but it was still not the same. Then they just "hung out". I wonder if how he felt throughout the day. That has to be weird for him too. I wonder how homesick he gets. He certainly doesn't drop any hints about being homesick to me, but I would be willing to bet he does when he talks to Cat. It's so weird now that he is an adult. It seems just yesterday he was a little boy.

I ventured out on Black Friday (must be crazy) and did some Christmas shopping. I'm having a hard time figuring out what to get Adam for Christmas. I mean, what does a Marine need? What CAN he have? The older the kids get, the harder Christmas shopping gets, but this is far and away the hardest year. I just hope that I don't have to ship his Christmas presents to him because he isn't able to make it home. That's the only thing I want for Christmas. My son to come home so we are a family again. Without him, it just doesn't feel the same.

"Just Be Strong and Supportive" he says...

...but he knows not how hard that really is. Strong. I've learned the true meaning of that word in the last many months. It has absolutely nothing to do with how heavy are the weights are that you lift nor how big the furniture is that your friend asks you to help move, ha ha. True strength is how strong your heart is. A Marine Mom's heart has to endure what seem like endless disappointments when her son can't call or come home when SHE wants him to be. Her heart has to miss him so deeply that it hurts, yet still put on a smiling face or a cheerful voice for her son. And I'm just starting out! I'm still new at the Marine Mom stuff! My heart might need an exercise regiment to be strong enough.

This is my challenge. I found out that he won't be coming home until the weekend before Christmas (from Cat's blog). He didn't tell me himself and Cat thought I knew already. I cried. It stung. It still does sting when I think about it. When he finally did call me, I burst into tears again. I couldn't stop it. I feel selfish, but I really wanted him to come home sooner. It made him upset because I was crying. I didn't mean to do that. He certainly doesn't need that pressure right now. I know he has no control over anything he does now. He told me that I have to be strong for him and just be here to support him. I'm trying. I really am trying! I told him it was hard. He asked if I was sorry that he chose to join the Marines. No. I'm not sorry at all. He is doing what he was meant to do. This is his destiny. I know that with all of my soul. It's just hard for a Mom to let go. It's hard for me to lose grasp of the one person that has had the most impact on my life.

I shall try harder to be strong and supportive and proud. I AM proud of him. He's already doing things I would never have dreamt of doing. My pride for him courses through my veins and is a part of my entire being. I just miss him. I miss him more than I ever thought I would. I was watching The Polar Express the other night and the children were talking about decorating the tree with the whole family there and I burst into tears again. Canaan asked me what was wrong and I just told him I didn't want to talk about it. Reality is that Adam WON'T be here to set up the tree. That makes me sad. What do I do? Do I make the rest of the family wait to set up the tree until he gets home? Is that being selfish too? I was digging through a box of Christmas decorations and came across his stocking. Again, the tears turned on. I had to put it back in the box. God, I don't know what to do or how to act anymore. I feel like a blubbering fool. Such a hard time of year for Adam not to be home. If he had gone through boot camp earlier in the year, maybe it would be easier by now. I'm also going to miss his birthday. That makes me sad too.

I hope he makes it home for Christmas and something else doesn't come up. The only thing left for me to do is hope and pray. I'll try harder to be strong, supportive and motivated for you son.

Emotions

Well, Adam landed in Texas today and was getting ready to take a taxi out to the base. He sounded nervous as I imagine he WOULD be. He ended up delayed so he didn't get to travel with the other Marines with the same MOS. He was all alone. I could hear a little sorrow in his voice, amongst the nerves. He said a retired Marine spotting him at the airport in Dallas (hard to miss the Marines carrying around their "body bags" with uniforms in them). The man asked where the young Devil Dog was headed and Adam told him. This man actually knew the base rather well and had a lot of good things to say about it. Adam was happy to hear good things about it since he had no idea what to expect.

There is a huge amount of the unknown now. He doesn't know what they are going to have him doing and I know even less. The only thing I can do is imagine and pray that they can't find him anything "to do" and send him home to do some RA. I know it's not going to be for Thanksgiving. I'm not going to pretend there is a chance. I actually don't even want to think about it at all. Thanksgiving is going to be so hard without him. I will just have to baste that turkey with tears and pray they give him a good meal and some good company for the holiday. Now we just pray for Christmas. One step at a time.

My emotions are all over the place anymore. I feel like a baby! I break down into tears over everything! I can't listen to the country stations anymore because they play too many soldier songs. Every single one of them gets me. At my nephew's Court of Honor for Eagle Scouts they made a special recognition for the soldiers that are protecting this country and I started to cry! I tried to hide it, but I couldn't stop it! Every time I get one of those heartfelt stories about soldiers, I lose it too! I don't know why! I feel like my emotions are out of control! I'm very proud of my son doing what he's doing. I'm just scared of the unknown. This started with him leaving for boot camp and just keeps getting harder. There was recruit graduation. Then his first missed holiday. Each thing feels like it's pulling another small piece out of my gut. I've never been the type to be sappy and emotional. I can usually swallow things and move on, pretending that I'm strong enough to handle things. Why then am I having such a hard time handing this? Why is this so difficult for me? I can't explain this feeling.

My sister, being the wife of a military man said I'll get use to it. I'm sure I will in time, but right now I can't. I don't want to accept the fact that I cannot protect my son anymore. He is MY protector now, but for some reason that doesn't feel right. I'm the mom. I'm supposed to make sure nothing bad happens to him. I'm supposed to be there when it hurts, be it on the inside or the outside.

When I hung up the phone with him earlier, I again told him to "be good". I meant to say it this time, unlike just before boot camp. I said it instead of saying "be safe" because he would have heard the fear in my voice. I have to keep being strong. I have to keep supporting him.

...but it's getting hard to keep swallowing how I feel.

A Hard Reality

Any time a phone call from your son starts with "I have good news and I have bad news", you know it's going to be tough. That held true with the phone call I got from Adam on Sunday night. I really wasn't expecting to hear from him at all. He had warned me that he would be really busy and that he may not be able to call until Tuesday when he was released from MOS. It was a happy surprise when my phone rang and I saw his face come up on caller ID. It WAS until I got the good news/bad news phrase. He told me he had been one of the four men that were up for company honorman. It was nice for him to be recognized, even though he didn't make the title! However, he's also been placed on Grad Hold which means he's not graduating with the rest of his platoon. Something about not having all of his paperwork ready, blah, blah, blah. Not something that really surprised me. He belongs to the military now so snaggles are inevitable! Then I asked him point blank if that meant he wasn't going to make it home for Thanksgiving. Yes. My eyes welled up almost instantly with the sting of reality. I knew this COULD happen, but I guess I didn't want to think it WOULD. He kept telling me it was really looking like he would be making it home for the holidays and I actually started to get excited. I should not have done that.

This Thanksgiving is going to be my hardest. It will be the first one in so many years that we are not "going to Grandma's house". No biggie. We are all actually looking forward to having a quiet dinner at home. BUT, it was supposed to be the SEVEN of us. Adam was supposed to be here. He is my chef buddy! I can't cook without him! Who else will have a cooking throwdown with me? Not his brothers. I love them to death, but they are just not Adam. HE is my chef. We work so well together in the kitchen! We share the same ideas and methods. How am I going to get through it without him? With a lot of tears probably. He was supposed to be home.

I know this is only the first of MANY holidays he's going to miss. This first one is the hardest though. It's so hard to swallow the reality that my boy is all grown up now. I can't seem to remember where all the time went. I also realized that all the bad things we went through (mainly through his teen years, ha ha) have just disappeared. They no longer matter. He is the man he is meant to be. Still. It's hard. He promises a cooking throwdown at Christmas, but it won't be the same. Thanksgiving was OUR holiday. Something that no one else fully understood. I hope they at least are able to give him some turkey at the air base where he's headed. It won't be as good, but he needs to have SOME! I want to get excited about Christmas, but I can't yet. Too many "snaggles" can happen between now and then.

I can't even think about where he will spend Thanksgiving and Christmas next year. I'm not ready to go there yet.

Reality and the Unknown

Now that my son is officially a US Marine, I of course joined a bunch of online Marine Parents groups. I've spent the last few weeks reading posts and looking at pictures of some great looking Marines. I've also started getting a strong dose of reality. The reality is that my son's future is somewhat unknown. I don't know where the military will send him. I know where they COULD send him. A military mom's worst fear. Or even worse than I can fear.

I hate to think about it that way, but I have to be honest with myself. I can't keep pretending none of this is happening. He's grown up now. Adam is a Marine now. He belongs to the government. He is a tool. He is a weapon. Still, he's my boy! I'm still scared. I'm scared for what I don't know. I'm scared of him going too far away from me. I'm scared of him never returning. I look through the pictures of the Marines in places I cannot even fathom with fear. All of them are "someone's boy". That can very well be my boy.

Still, though this new reality has me scared, it also carries a weird sense of pride. I say weird because I do not fully understand it. I am proud of my Marine even though I know he could and would give his life for his country. I say weird because I look at the faces of these Marines that have been deployed to so many places and see the happiness and pride in their faces! Many of them look like they are "having fun", like at a summer camp. But this reality does not include a "summer camp". That is why I feel this weird pride.

I haven't had much contact with my son while he's in MCT. He's busy and doesn't get free time often. I understand that and would expect nothing less. I am still not sure what is going to happen after MCT. I'm not getting my hopes up (too high) for him being over Christmas although he keeps telling me not to worry. I guess we shall see when it gets here.

And then there is his neptuals that are already being planned. Sigh. I'm happy and scared all at the same time. I just hope they wait long enough. I hope they have the time to plan their perfect wedding.

Gone Again

Well, Adam left really early yesterday morning headed back to MCT. He didn't get the Recruiters Assistance that he was hoping for so all of the sudden our time together got real short real fast. He did spend some quality time with the girlfriend and with his friends and I FINALLY got my day with him (just he and I). We went shopping for engagement rings. Wow was that weird. I tried to give him an education on what to look for and why, etc. He had seen a set that he really liked when he and his (guy) friends went looking. He ended up chosing a ring and a "wrap" wedding band that he would have never even considered before. When the gal at the jeweler sat the solitaire into the "wrap", Adam's face went white as a ghost. That was definitely the sign that THAT was the ring for Cat. It's actually very, very beautiful and that diamond is bigger than mine (I have rock envy now). The next day we went back in to pay for the rings (after Adam sitting down with her parents the night before and asking for their daughter's hand, aaaawwwww), Adam really started getting nervous. Not just a little. He looked like he was going to throw up or pass out. After the "purchase", we had to meet Cat's family for lunch. Adam was trying to hide his anxiety so as not to give it away what was going to happen that evening. He did a poor job. His foot was tapping. His fingers were shaking. You could SEE the anxiety in his eyes. I had to motion to him a few times to settle down or he was going to give it away.

The evening apparently went over exactly as planned. Adam was dressed up in his dress blue uniform and Cat wore her Homecoming dress. He told her that since this was their last date before he left again, that they were going to make it real nice by getting all dressed up! (I gave him an idea on the proposal and he did it!) Following dinner at Applebees (their favorite place), he ordered a desert to share, then after the waitress walked away, he excused himself for a potty run (using this opportunity to give the ring to the waitress). They "drew" a heart shape on an empty plate, put a strawberry on it, and seated the open engagement ring in the center of the plate. When the waitress brought the desert, she set it in front of Adam and the plate with the ring in front of Cat. Adam said as soon as she saw that ring, her eyes got HUGE and started to tear up. Then he popped the ultimate question as he placed the ring on her finger (on one knee of course). I wish I could have seen it. It sounded perfect.

I don't know if it was the proposal or the fact that Adam was in full uniform (or both), but a man down the way paid for their dinner. That was so sweet. When they came back to the house, Cat had perma-grin. I hope the very best for them. I hope they give the engagement enough time so they can have their dream wedding.

SO, back to Adam's departure! He flew out to San Diego, but ended up being diverted to another airport because their was so much fog in San Diego. He called with a little anxiety in his voice, worrying about making that shuttle up to the base. Thankfully he made it to San Diego, but ended up having to wait on the airplane while they found "a place to park". I hope he made his shuttle. I imagine I would have heard from him if he HAD NOT. I don't know how communication is going to be while he is at MCT. I know it's not as strict as boot camp, but they have a lot of work to do in four weeks. He got to take his cell phone so I hope to hear from him a couple times at least. After MCT is where it gets a little weird. His "classes" aren't going to be starting until the new year so he MIGHT get to come home and do six weeks or so of Recruiters Assistance which would mean he would be HOME FOR THE HOLIDAYS!!!! I can hope and pray anyways.

He DID however leave a "wake" with his departure! His barracks (the room he was staying in) was left in shambles and his car is just gross (he trashed it out in the short time he was home, that little booger!). I might just have to text that Marine and chastise him for the mess he left.

Here are some pictures we did while he was home.









...and this one is my favorite!

At Home with my new Marine

Everyone was so glad to get home on Saturday night. It had been a long week for us, I can only imaging how long it was for Adam. Now that he is home, he is starting to relax, A LITTLE. He's still pretty keyed up and anxious. It's hard to get use to. I mean, before the boy couldn't sit still because of his ADHD. Add a lot of boot camp training into that and he never sits still.

I'm very glad that he is home, but I'm feeling a little blue because of it. For one, I know he's going to be leaving again, too soon. Too many people keep asking him about the possibility of him being deployed and I really can't even think about that right now. It scares the life out of me. It turns my soul cold and makes my blood ice. I can't fathom that yet. I'm not ready.

I'm also a little blue because although he is HOME, he's not really been AT home. I barely saw him yesterday at all. He spent the morning with Cat's family at church then spent the afternoon & evening with friends. I know he missed his friends and I certainly can't blaim him for wanting to see them (and they might really HELP him to relax), but I kinda wanted to see him too. I work all day during the week and have several things during some of the evenings this week. I will hardly see him this entire week. That breaks my heart completely. This bites. He spent last night telling all his friends about his boot camp adventures, but when is it his family's turn. I know I'm just being selfish and that is wrong of me. This is Adam's time and he needs to spend it however he wants to. It just hurts. He is right in front of me, yet I can barely see him. I still miss him, even though he is home.

Graduation!

Today was a good day. I will say that. It has also been a day that has made me really think. The morning seemed like forever. I went to the morning "Colors" ceremony at MCRD. It was neat. Then began a long, long wait. Seats in the stands filled up fast so we grabbed a seat and SAT there for over two hours. Thankfully, the weather was over cast and cool (to me, PERFECT). It seemed like an eternity. I was anxious to get through this. I wanted to see my son again and I wanted to stop waiting.

The ceremony started with the San Diego Marine Band. They were magnificent. I couldn't believe how perfect they sounded. As they were finishing up and the announcer started to talk, I saw the men lining up at the end of the parade deck. They began marching towards the stands, each step of every man exactly synchronized. There are few words that can describe the sight. It was completely awe inspiring. I almost teared up and yet had not even seen my son yet. The sheer perfection in each of those men's moves was completely breath taking. They halted in front of the stands, then turned in one awesome sweep. I saw Adam, though he was in the back of the formation and towards the back of the parade deck. I didn't cry. I smiled with all my being. He made it.

When the Lieutenant Colonel addressed the men with a "Good Morning" and they barked back the most amazing "Morning Sir, Ooh Rah", you could feel the passion of every single one of the 583 new Marines. It was again, completely breathtaking. There have been very few moments in my life that I have been speechless in awe. This was one of those moments.

Several more speeches and a parade of the marching band swallowed the next many minutes. The Honor Men were, well honored. The drill instructors and recruiters were given their proper gratitude and appreciation. Then the platoons were led on a march in front of the stands so everyone could truly appreciate all of these amazing young men who had fought their way through thirteen weeks training. All of the families had plenty of opportunities to snap a thousand pictures.

When they announced the dismissal of the new Marines, the crowd went crazy. I still didn't cry, though I wanted to. They would have been tears of joy, but I was determined to keep smiling. I was so happy and proud. It was one of those moments in a mother's life that cannot be put to words. I found Adam in the crowd and wrapped my arms around him so tight. "You did it" I told him. He did. He made it through hell and earned the title of Marine. He was a GREAT Marine.

After we left the depot and got back to the hotel, Adam tried to start to unwind. He was, of course very keyed up. He didn't really know how to "relax". We rested for a bit then decided to hit the mall since I DIDN'T bring him pants that he could wear! (I'm such a bad mom.) He purchased an outfit and once into some comfortable civilian clothes, looked more like Adam.

He is still different though. I cannot deny it and I know I must accept that this is the "new Adam", but it's so hard. I hardly know what to say to him or how to act. I hope that it will be better once we get home. He talked some about a few of the "experiences" he went through and I hope to hear much more. I told him he needed to write down or record everything he can about his experience so that he may remember the things that shaped him. I hope that he never forgets.

He has made a few comments yesterday and today that keep echoing in my head. Yesterday when he was showing my the "Iraqi Freedom" room at the museum he showed us a "home-made" bomb (replica) and said that it was responsible for the most "Marine Kills". Those words used together stung. Then again today, while shopping, he joked about wearing a charm on his dog tags while strutting around Iraq. God, I can't think about that. I cannot bear the thought of my son being deployed. I want to be selfish and tell them he's not allowed to go. I want to keep protecting him, but I can't. All I can do is pray that he stays safe. He is a United States Marine now, property of the United States government. He is our protector now.

I really love the new Adam, but I still miss the old one. He is not my little boy anymore now matter how much I want him back. He is my Marine, now and forever. He is my Hero and I am so proud of him.

Family Day~SEEING My Marine

This day has truly been an incredible day. Almost indescribable. It started out after only a little sleep (anxiety) and let to way too many hours of waiting. We waited for the shuttle for headed for MCRD. We waited and watched (from a distance mind you) as the new Marines practiced for graduation tomorrow. We waited some more. Then it was time to endure several hours of one of the senior drill instructors tell us the rules, give us a crash course in boot camp, make us wait more, THEN make us wait more. It was (almost) worth all of the hot air that came out of that DI's mouth. When the platoons started running up and stood in front of us, I got the first glance of my son. It literally took my breath away. So many weeks since I had saw him. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. He looked so different. Then he was gone again to finish his motivational "run", but not before I snapped several pictures of him standing in formation. Cat and I cried. I couldn't believe the wave of emotion that overtook me. When they completed their run (about 5 miles), they got into formation by the theater. I was in the back so I really couldn't see him at first, then I got a straight off view of him. He stood there, sweating like crazy and breathing heavily. After a short speech from the senior drill instructor, they called the platoons back up and they began SCREAMING a few things (honestly, I cannot even remember what they were saying). I saw the passion in him as he barked out the works. His face was strong and almost fierce. That is when I lost it. I started crying and couldn't stop. My boy was a man. He was a Marine. Oh my god, he is a Marine. I felt like it was a turning point in my life. A milestone. A change that I wasn't ready for.

Then...some more waiting. We watched a movie in the theater, walked out to the stands and found a nice spot in the front, listened to the Marine Band and held my breath as Adam marched out onto the parade deck in formation. He was in his dress "greens" (I have no idea what they are actually called!). He looked amazing. My heart was pounding. After a few speeches, they were released on "liberty" (time off, but had to stay on base). Adam's girlfriend, Cat sprinted to Adam. I gave them a moment, then found my way to him. I cannot explain how it felt to put my arms around My Marine. Pride cannot even explain it. It completely underestimated how I felt at that moment.

We wandered around the base for the rest of the day. Shopped a little. Ate even less. Talked, but found it hard to find the conversation. Adam was so different. A thousand questions ran through my mind, but it was so hard to speak them. I could only just sit there and take it in. Adam told me a little about some of the experiences he went through and admitted that he didn't tell me about some of his illnesses and injuries. I knew he was not telling me everything in his letters and was not surprised he couldn't make it through boot camp without some owies.

Another surprise was how much everyone looked up to him. The other Marines all looked up to him, even though they were all "brothers". Even his Drill Instructor said he was one of the "best ones". I couldn't believe how wonderful of a man he became.

When it was time for Adam to go back to his barracks, he handed me his Marine "pictures" that he had ordered. I looked at them and just cried. He wasn't my boy anymore. No matter how much I wanted to keep that belief that he would always be my little boy, the truth was that he wasn't anymore. He was my man. My Marine.

I cannot wait for Graduation tomorrow, but can't also wait for it to be over so he can leave and I can sit back and just talk to him. No rules. No one listening or critiquing him. I look forward to hearing all about this experience that has made him into this unbelievable person. I just hope my Adam is still in there somewhere. The changes that have taken place are good, but even standing before the well dressed, prestige Marine before me, I missed my Adam.

Sleep well my son. My Marine. My love and pride for you has never been greater. Ever. I look forward to our long talks over the past many days and I can't wait to get into a Cooking Throwdown with you!

Countdown...sixteen hours until I see my boy!

Yes, I finally made it to California after a very long day of traveling. Okay, the actual travel time wasn't so bad, it was the unbelievable WAITING that totally killed the day. The flight leaving was late so of course getting in was late. Then the airline lost Cat's bag (Adam's girlfriend). By the time we got out of the baggage claim office, we had missed the shuttle to the hotel. It was either wait an hour until he comes back or pay a stupid, smelly taxi driver twenty bucks to drive us a whole whopping 7 miles (plus tip). Uhg. So we waited. And waited. At least the weather is nice here. It was a little hot when we first got here, but cooled off nicely. The humidity is what stinks. My hair looked like I had stuck my finger in a light socket by the time we got to the hotel.

The hotel isn't bad. The shuttle driver was very informative on the way over explaining how things were going to work with Family Day and Graduation. It was very helpful. He also made the mistake of pointing out the barracks as we passed them and jokingly said "so close, yet so far away". If he only knew how much so.

Tomorrow is going to be weird. Our shuttle from the hotel to MCRD leaves at a lovely 7am. It's going to be a LONG, weird day. We are going to have breakfast on base since we are going to be there so damn early anyways. Then we can maybe sneek a peek at the Marines practicing drill. Then, the fun part! We get to go to the theater and watch a movie about the history of the Marine Corps! Come on now. I know this is all important, but I really would just like to see my son now. After the enriching film (no offense intended, I'm sure it will be interesting), we get to watch the platoons do a motovational run back and forth. Now mind you, I will be able to SEE my son, but not talk to him at all yet. Then there will be an awards ceremony that will last an hour and a half to two hours. THEN I get to see Adam. Not just see him, but talk to him! Hug him! Smack him (you know, for making this so excrutiatinly hard on me). After that, we get to spend almost five hours on the depot with him (he can't leave the base). We can go shopping, go to the museum and have lunch. It will be good. It's going to be hard saying goodbye for the evening, but I will take whatever blessings I can get. By noon tomorrow, I get to see my boy, face to face. Will I even recognize him? Will he still be my Adam? I don't know, but I hope so.
Good night son. Your mama gets to see you in mere hours. (Oh, and your girlfriend too which I'm sure rates a little higher on the food chain than dear old mom right now.)

P.S. Cat was a little funny on the plane here. This was her first time on an airplane and her fascination was amusing and sweet.

Off to California!

Yes, the day has come to get on a plane to go see my son! This thirteen weeks has seemed like an eternity. It's weird, I couldn't wait for him to leave, now I can hardly wait for him to come home. Even when he DOES come home, it's not going to be for long.

This next phase envokes a new kind of fear. No longer is Adam in the "safety" of boot camp. They can send him anywhere they want him with a moments notice and there is nothing I can do about it. They can even send him to the worst feared places that a mother of a Marine can imagine. They can put him in harm's way and as his mother, I can no longer protect him. I just have to trust and pray he will be safe.

I AM very excited to see Adam, but I'm still nervous. The next post will be from the west coast!

Here is a picture that I took of the computer screen as I watched Adam's platoon video! Doesn't he look great!?!?!

A Plethora of Emotions

This journey with Adam going through leaving the nest, going through boot camp and achieving the esteemed title of a United States Marine has literally been a plethora of emotions. In many ways, I don't know WHY I have been so emotional. My parents joke that before Adam left, I was so frustrated with him that I couldn't wait for him to leave and now I'm having such a hard time with him being gone. I'd be willing to be they did the same when my siblings and I left the nest. Yes, I will admit I was frustrated with Mr. Know-It-All before he left for boot camp, but now my life is so weird without him. He's not there for me to yell at to clean up his room or take the trash out. He's not there for me to smack upside the head when he tells a dirty joke that he should NOT say in the presence of his mother! He has been in my life every single day since he was born. This (then) sixteen year old mother held my little boy for the first time, not fully understanding that he was to be the best thing that ever happened to me. Now 18 years later, it's so hard not waking up every single morning with him sleeping in another room of the house.

I cannot understate the pride that I have for him and him accomplishments. He grew up. He graduated High School. He became a Marine. He will do amazing things with his life, of that I have no doubt. He will make a good husband, a good father and in time, a good grandfather. The chapters of his life that he has written for himself have only covered a few pages in what will be a long and accomplishing life.

Looking to next week when I actually get to SEE my boy for the first time in 13 weeks, I am again full of many emotions. Pride. Anticipation. Anxiety. Nervousness. Relief. Sadness. I am about to meet my son again as if it were the first time, remembering that cold December day when I met him for the first time. It's funny. I feel many of the same emotions.

I love you son. You drive me crazy sometimes, but I would have you no other way. I can hardly wait to meet my new Marine.

The Grand Finale!

After two days of excruciating hikes, drills, courses and exercises, TODAY my son will conquer the "Grim Reaper" (Mt. Suribachi) and claim the well earned Eagle, Globe and Anchor emblem officially making him a U.S. Marine! People can sleep better in the country as their is another Amazing Marine to protect you from the evils of the world.

Yeah Adam! You rock! Congrats and everyone is SO PROUD of you!

The Dreaded Crucible

I'm a little tardy in posting this. By this time, my son is half way through the dreaded Crucible. I've read several times what he is going through and keep a listing next to me to check at certain times of the day. All I can do is pray he will be safe, strong and kick some a**! However, I would not be a mother if I didn't worry about him. It's my right.

I got a phone call from him last week. It was another of those weird robotic calls. He said "This recruit needs to know if you have made his plane reservations yet" and "This recruit needs those details before he is allowed to talk". It was bizzare. I'm really starting to worry about how is going to be when I see him. There has been SO much change in him already and I know during this last difficult task that the Marines put in front of him in training, he will change even more. I have to wonder what a normal conversation will be like with him. Will he still be Adam? The excitement about seeing him next week is rapidly turning into anxiety. I'm nervous to meet this man who use to wear my boy's shoes.

I DID get a great present though. They posted his platoon video last Friday. I had almost forgotten! (After a little accident at work and a trip to the ER, my mind wasn't quite what it should be!) I clicked on his platoon and STARED with my face mere inches from the screen. I was so afraid I would not recognize him! But I did. Oh my God he looks great. He looks so "clean". I know that's an odd thing to think, but he DOES! No jet black hair. No silly goatee. No STUPID Elvis sideburns. He looked almost regal. He looked so grown up. However did he grow up so fast?



Adam being away at bootcamp has made me do a lot of self-relflection. It has shown me a lot about what kind of a parent I am. Adam is a product of my parenting. I helped mold him. I helped guide him. Boot camp was not just for him. It was for me too. It was a test and do not know if I passed or failed. I just let go. His wings have been ready for quite some time now. I just had to let him go to see if he could fly. He did. He is going to be one great Marine and a great man that will have an amazing impact on this world. I hope the Marines don't ship him off to some distant land (foreign or not) so I can't see him as often as I like. At least I will be able to call him anytime I want to. No more of these stupid letters back and forth and the robotic phone calls. Christmas is going to be hard without him. I know I will not be fortunate enough to get his first Christmas in the service with him. If I do, I will count my blessings, but I'm not going to get my hopes up.

I'm really looking forward to him coming home on leave, but I already miss him when he leaves again. I want to spend as much time as I can with is while he is home (even though I have to work, DANG IT!).

Son, I love you very, very much. I am so proud of you and the amazing man you have become. I look forward to seeing what kinds of things you will do with your life and want to stay as close to you as I possibly can. You truly are my hero.

When I thought you weren't looking...

When I thought YOU weren’t looking…
I hung my head over the side of the crib
And watched you sleep, gently stroking your soft hair
I watched your every breath
And your tiny fingers twitch as you dreamt

When I thought YOU weren’t looking…
I watched you take those first steps
All the while my heart skipping a beat with every movement
I saw your concentration and determination
And the enormous smile when you did it all by yourself

When I thought YOU weren’t looking…
I held my breath as your school bus pulled away
And then followed the bus all the way to school
I saw the excitement on your face as you walked in
As my heart pounded and my eyes welled up with tears

When I thought YOU weren’t looking…
I watched you peddle away on your bicycle for the first time
Without the training wheels on
I saw the joy and accomplishment in you
And felt the fear in me growing, with the hospital on speed dial

When I thought YOU weren’t looking…
I watched you getting ready for your first date
With excitement and nervousness
I saw a handsome young man
Where a boy stood before

When I thought YOU weren’t looking…
I watched you methodically double check your back pack
Ensuring you had everything you could possibly need
I saw that you were nervous
But ready to finally take on High School

When I thought YOU weren’t looking…
I gasped for breath as they called your name
And you walked up in your cap and gown to receive your diploma
I couldn’t help but see my little boy who had grown up so fast
And was fearlessly ready to take on the world

When I thought YOU weren’t looking…
I stood at your doorway on the night before
You were to leave for boot camp
I watched you dream for the last time
I prayed that you would be safe
I wished you had not grown up yet

When I thought YOU weren’t looking…
I dropped you off at the recruiting office
And drove away without you as I wept
I was so proud of who you had become
But didn’t know what I was going to do without you

When I KNOW you weren’t looking…
I boxed up your things to go to storage
And sat on the floor in your bedroom and cried
I already missed you so much
And felt like my heart had been torn out

When I dreamt you WERE looking…
I wrapped my arms around you
And gazed in awe at the amazing Marine you had become
I saw you as my little boy
Who had become a man
…and I was never more proud of you or loved you more

Tickets are booked!

I'm going to see my son!!! It feels so good to have the ticket booked to go out to Adam's graduation. I can hardly believe it's three weeks away! It feels like an eternity since I saw him last though. I know his graduation is rapidly approaching and it's a very exciting time, but I can't help thinking about when he leaves again. His time home will be short and bittersweet. He's hoping to get some time with Recruiter's Assistance (a little extra time home in return for helping the recruiters and poolies). That would be nice, but somehow I bet he'll be spending more time with his girlfriend then he will his family. Sigh. How did my boy grow up so quick behind my back? Was it when I wasn't looking?

I got a really good letter from him last weekend. It had some things that I really needed to hear from him. He told me that he would always be my best friend, no matter where in the world he was. He promised we would never lose the relationship we have. He also told me something I had already noticed. He feels like he's starting to change. He says he feels more like a Marine. He can "roll his sleeves and blouse his boots better" now. I guess that's important. Lol. I had already noticed the change in him, just by his letters. I'm sad that my boy is all grown up, but I could not be more proud of him than I am right now. He is truly My Hero.

The Silence is deafening

It has been 19 days since I last heard from my son. The silence is no longer serene, it is deafening. This is so hard to go from being able to pick up the phone and call him to nothing. I don't know how he is doing. I don't know how he's feeling. I don't even know if he's healthy or sick. Too many unknowns for a paranoid mother to handle. I really didn't think it was going to be this hard. I didn't think I was going to miss him this much. He was, to be honest, a pain in the ass the last six weeks before he left. He drove me crazy! Now that he's gone, I miss that "crazy".

I know he's busy doing "Marine" stuff and probably doesn't have time to write much. I know that if given a choice to write to his mom or to his girlfriend, of course he's going to choose his girlfriend. I know this, but it doesn't make it hurt less.

It seems like everything reminds me of him. We will be watching the Food Network (a popular channel in our house) and I start to miss the cooking "throw-downs" that he and I use to have. (I usually kicked his butt, but thats beside the point!) Every time I hear a Poison song on the radio, it reminds me of him. The Poison concert was the last thing we did together. I cry every time I hear a soldier song on the radio. I try not to let my mind think about where he could end up after boot camp. Sometimes that's hard block out though. Especially with these elections coming up. So much talk about soldiers in distant lands. I'm not going to lie. I worry about the choice that he has made. I know it was probably the best choice he will have made in his life, but the unknown is ever present in his future.

I've been thinking about graduation and getting to see him. I guess it just didn't sink in, but he will be graduating in a little over a month!! Whoa! That makes me very excited. I cannot wait to see him, even though I am a little afraid of who he will be the next time I see him. I'm going to cry, I know I am. I don't know how I will NOT cry. I just have to remember the tears will fall out of pride. I am so proud of my boy. I just started looking at hotels and such for my trip out. The rest of the family is sad because they cannot go, but at least he will be coming back with me, if just for a short visit. His cat won't know who he is when he walks in. He probably won't recognize him. Ha. I probably won't recognize him when I see him either.

Stay safe and strong my son. I love you.

Ah, to hear his voice!

I'm a little late in updating this, but I head from my son! Not a tiny note written in bad handwriting on Marine letter head, but his actual voice! He was crying, which worried me. He told me it was a happy cry and that he was just happy to hear my voice. Of course, I'm a nervous mom so I have to wonder if he was being completely truthful! (What, Adam lie? Never! Ha!)

Adam told me that he was glad that he made this decision and he was in the right place. He said he's actually having fun and that his Drill Instructor is cool. I'm so glad to hear that. I was so afraid he was going to regret his decision to join the Marines, but it sure sounds like everything is how it should be.

The same day I heard from him, I also got a letter. It sort of confirmed what I initially thought when he called. He sounds homesick, even if it's just a little. I can imagine that he would be though. Boy, he's going to be sad when he finds out we gave his room to his brother! :-) Adam also asked for my "mom advice" on an issue that I knew was going to come up eventually. I won't devulge anything until it's time, but my boy is growing up. I'm happy and sad at that. Will we always keep a close relationship?? I hope so. I hope we don't lose that connection, no matter where in the world he ends up.

So far, so good. I hope it continues to be a positive, character building experience for him. I'm still keeping track of what he's doing each week. This week, he should be on "Table 1" (still weapons training). I have NO idea what it means! I'm still looking ahead (and stressing) to the "dreaded" Crucible, which he will undergo at the end of September. I guess it is every Marine's Rite of Passage, but it sounds so hard!! I'm looking forward to the week before it though because they will post his Platoon Video online! I get to SEE my boy! I can hardly wait for that and for October when I get to see him in person at graduation. I'm nervous to see the man he has become, but still very excited!

Another letter from boot camp!

Yes, despite the LARGE gap between them, I got another letter from my boy! I know I sound like a kid at Christmas and I KNOW the people at the post office must think I am stalking them, but this small line of communication between my son and I is all that I have. You bet your life I'm going to hold onto that line as tight as I can.

So, Adam says he is actually having "fun". God I'm so glad to hear that from him. I hope that he is not sugar coating it for me. I hope he truly is getting everything he can out of this experience because although it may be difficult, this experience is helping to finish molding him into the adult he will be for the rest of his life. I can no longer influence or "mold" him. He is in the hands of the United States government now. I hope they take care of my boy.

His letter continues to be positive. He has made it through Phase One and is moving into Phase Two. He said he got to "blouse his boots" which felt so good. I have absolutely no idea what that means, but he is happy about it. He feels very accomplished and proud. I'm proud of him. In Phase Two, he moves to weapons training and he is very excited about it. He gets to learn to use his rifle (among other things)! I'm happy that he's happy.

In his letter, he tells the girls that "Yes, I got my boots...and they hurt!" and gives Canaan a few words of encouragement since he is taking Adam being gone hard. He told him to keep his chin AND his grades up! Ha! Maybe Canaan will listen since it's coming from his big brother (although I doubt it). Adam also says that he will be sending me a private letter as he needs some "mommy advice". Oh boy. I think I may know what he wants to talk about (wink).

So, as I watch the calendar and follow along with what he is doing each day, I hope that he continues to enjoy the process of becoming a Marine. I hope they take care of him and hope he stays healthy. He signed this letter, "Your Future Marine". That has a great ring to it.

The last of it is done...

Well, I conquered the last of the things in Adam's room this weekend. I boxed them up, labeled them and stacked them in the garage for storage. I can't believe how much JUNK this kid has! I labeled the last boxes so that WHEN he does come back on leave, he'll be able to find his wallet and other essentials. This was the final acceptance of Adam being gone and the realization that he doesn't live here anymore. It's sad to realize that. Sure, he'll visit, but then he will leave again and there will be times that I won't see him for months at a time. (I certainly hope it's not "years" at a time!) I have still only seen the one letter from him, despite the THREE letters I sent him and am anxious (an understatement) to hear from him again, even if it's brief. I would be so happy for a quick phone call too, although I know he's super busy becoming a Marine. I just miss him.

Adam's poor cat was in a state of confusion when we started moving Canaan into what USE to be Adam's room (sob). He wandered around the room, sniffed everything and plopped his big furry butt on the shelf as if to say "I'm not moving until he comes home". The room that Canaan USE to be in became a play room for the girls. Since Canaan is away for the week (and doesn't know I did this), it hasn't fully set it that it's HIS room now.

Another step taken. So many more to go. I hope this week will bring us news from boot camp. I'll take a sticky note with a simple "I'm okay, love you & miss you". Anything. I'm really starting to look forward to seeing him at graduation. Sure, he may be doing all the physical and mental training, but Mom's do all the emotional training and earn that graduation too. I can wait to see my boy...no, not boy...Man...Son...Marine.

Military Mom

The Bonds among Military Moms are bonds that no other Moms could share or understand. It is a bond that can never be broken or torn. It is now and always.
We are Marine,we are Army, we are Navy and we are Air Force. We are the American Military Moms. We have raised the best of the best. The Proudest of the Proud.
We have sisterhood,that no one can understand. It is the sisterhood of the Military Moms.

We cry at night,we worry 24/7 and we miss everyday. We also are Proud all year long.

When one hurts, we all hurt. When one cries, we all cry.
When one is happy, we all are happy.
When one is dancing, we all dance.
When one is in Pain,we share the Pain.
When one has a Homecoming, we all rejoice just to see them Smile.

Our Favorite color is yellow,we love our yellow ribbons & bows. Juat look at our yards and home. But most of all we Love our Red,White and Blue. It is a symbol of our Pride for our Children. And we will defend it to the end together as our bond among each other and What we share together.

We defend our children's choices and respect their jobs. Knowing deep down inside our hearts break for not having our children near. We sacrifice more than any other mom could ever without even getting a simple little two words, "Thank You."

We miss sleep,we stay at the post office,we live by the phone, we watch the TV and stay close to the computor.

We are Military Moms. We are Proud, we are Strong, we are Special and we are Growing each day. We share a sisterhood that is the best sisterhood in the World.

This is the Bond of the Military Moms.

~Author Unknown

2nd letter sent off to my son...

I just couldn't sit around anymore and wait to get another letter from Adam, so I sent out another letter to HIM. Maybe I can guilt him out of a letter or two! Ha! I know he's busy, but not hearing from him is tearing me up inside.

I told him about some of the things that have happened in the past week and a half. The color guard survived band camp (and so did I). Cat (his girlfriend) was official given one of the positions of Guard Captain and to be honest, her help was invaluable to me. The other guard instructor wasn't there so it was nice that I could count on Cat for support. She's a good girl and she and Adam are good together. I imagine eventually she will be my daughter-in-law so it's nice that we get to spend some time together while Adam is away. She misses him as much as I do (but in a different way).

I told Adam about the parade we marched last Saturday and how well the guard did. I sent him some pictures cropped right into the letter so he could see his girlfriend marching. I also cropped in a picture of his little sister who was crowned Little Miss Gilcrest (our town). It was cute. Adam would have loved to ride with her in the parade.

I'm really, really, REALLY missing Adam's cooking. I know that's selfish, but his brothers can't cook anything! When it's their night to cook, it's usually Ramen noodles or frozen pizza (something they really can mess up, much).

I hope to hear from him again soon. I know he got my first letter by now. I hope he is doing well and really enjoying his training. Yes, I said "enjoying". It's all part of the experience that is forming him into the man he will be for at least the next four years, but most likely the rest of his life. There is much that he can learn and take away from boot camp. I hope he is soaking it all in as he rubs his sore muscles and complains about the aches and pains. I've started to think about his graduation in October. I can't wait to see him. I feel a little sad though at the same time. The next time I see my boy, he will be an entirely new man. I'm nervous. I mean, our relationship is now and forever changed since he has stepped into the next phase of his life. I hope that our relationship stays close and no matter where he ends up in this crazy world, that he remembers to call his mommy every now and then. It's weird writing to him and he seems so far away. I know all of my kids will leave the nest some day, but I can't think ahead that far. I can only focus on Adam being gone right now. The house seems empty without him there. He changed my life on the day that he was born and for that I owe him everything. I really do miss him, but it is getting better to handle. I do still cry if a "soldier" song comes on the radio (especially those country songs, darn them!).

So, here's hoping for another letter from boot camp and prayer for an actual PHONE CALL! That would make me so happy, to hear his voice.

A Letter From Boot Camp!

I finally got a letter! Not a form letter and not a robotic phone call at 1am, but an actual letter from Adam! It was so HIM too, just the way he wrote. It sounds like he is feeling okay about his decision. It sounds like he "fits". I was so afraid that I was going to get a letter that said he hated it, didn't think he was going to make it and made the wrong decision. But he sounded very positive as he explained that he has two "jobs" within his platoon. He is the Whiskey Pig and the Witch Doctor. I have absolutely NO IDEA what he's talking about, but I'll take what I can get. He did mention (more than once) to tell his girlfriend that he missed her and loved her and to write as soon as possible. Ha! He IS a teenage boy after all. I hope if/when he comes home on leave after boot camp that he doesn't spend ALL his time with his girlfriend. I imagine he'll spend a majority of the time with her though.

I had sent a letter to him last week, but it looks like he had not gotten it when he wrote his letter. I started to cry when I realized it was actually FROM him, written in his old sloppy handwriting. He didn't say anything about missing his stupid cat, but that cat sure is missing him! He finally came down off the shelf where Adam's picture was set. Now he just does weird stuff. He wanders through the house making all kinds of strange noises then will just pass out and cat nap where ever he is. He still goes into Adam's room and howl for him. It's so sad and funny at the same time.

In Adam's letter, he said he bought a phone card so we MIGHT get a phone call from him now and then. That would be nice. I would very much like to hear his voice. I will cross my fingers.

So begins another journey

I dropped my eldest son at the recruiter's office on Sunday, July 13, 2008. It was a very emotional moment in my life that I will never forget. After eighteen years, it was time to say goodbye to my son and send him off to begin a life as a US Marine. I cried. He cried. I told him that I loved him and he told me he loved me. He told me that I was his best friend, something I was not expecting. Those words continue to echo in my head. It has made me think a lot. It has made me realize that he is my best friend too.

I got a call from him at almost 9pm on Monday night. It was brief, but he told me he had made it to California and that he loved me. I told him I loved him too and told him to 'be good'. What?!?!?! I'm not sure why I said that. It just came out! I can't stop being his mom just because he is a man now. I don't know. Maybe that was my way of telling him to be safe, be healthy, listen and do exactly what he was told.

It's a prestigious calling that he is answering and one that deserves the utmost respect. He will make a great Marine. I know he will. I have learned a lot about the Marines in the past several days and have had a chance to chat with some of the other Marine parents whose children shipped out the same day. It helps some.

The hardest part for me right now is NOT having him here. I miss him so much. I miss him more than I thought I would. I miss the way he could make me laugh no matter what the situation. I miss his dirty jokes. I miss his cooking and our little cook-offs that we would have. I even miss yelling at him to do his chore or clean up his room. I miss his voice and I hate that I won't get to hear it very many times, if any over the next few months. I learned that you never know how much a person means to you or impacts your life until they are not there anymore. I don't know what my daily life will be like without him in it. He has been with me every single day since I was sixteen and although I KNEW the time would come when he grew up and left 'the nest', I didn't think it would be this hard. I burst into tears at stupid things that remind me of him. I haven't been able to go into his bedroom yet because I'm afraid of the truth. He's not there anymore. I'm trying to get over feeling sad about this change in his life, but it's hard. I feel grief, even though I know he's not "gone" forever. I feel guilt, for all the things I meant to do before he left, but never got around to doing.

My sadness for his departure is not helped by the way his stupid cat has been. Since the day he left, Oreo (the cat) has been grieving terribly. He lays next to the picture of Adam on the shelf (or ON it if it has fallen down). He watches out the window, waiting for him to come home. He stares at his car and wonders why IT is there and yet his boy is not. He roams the house in the middle of the night making this horrible lonely howl, crying out for his boy. It's very sad to see Oreo so sad. I think he may need kitty therapy.

So, I guess it's time to look onward. To look forward to when I get to see him again. I look forward to sending him letters and (hopefully) getting them in return. I desperately hope for a phone call or two, just to hear his voice. I can't wait to see him at his graduation when he officially becomes a Marine. I guarantee I will cry, but it will be tears of joy.

Be safe, my son. I think about you every single day. I hope you are doing well and perhaps enjoying your experience. I can't wait to hear all about it.