"Just Be Strong and Supportive" he says...

...but he knows not how hard that really is. Strong. I've learned the true meaning of that word in the last many months. It has absolutely nothing to do with how heavy are the weights are that you lift nor how big the furniture is that your friend asks you to help move, ha ha. True strength is how strong your heart is. A Marine Mom's heart has to endure what seem like endless disappointments when her son can't call or come home when SHE wants him to be. Her heart has to miss him so deeply that it hurts, yet still put on a smiling face or a cheerful voice for her son. And I'm just starting out! I'm still new at the Marine Mom stuff! My heart might need an exercise regiment to be strong enough.

This is my challenge. I found out that he won't be coming home until the weekend before Christmas (from Cat's blog). He didn't tell me himself and Cat thought I knew already. I cried. It stung. It still does sting when I think about it. When he finally did call me, I burst into tears again. I couldn't stop it. I feel selfish, but I really wanted him to come home sooner. It made him upset because I was crying. I didn't mean to do that. He certainly doesn't need that pressure right now. I know he has no control over anything he does now. He told me that I have to be strong for him and just be here to support him. I'm trying. I really am trying! I told him it was hard. He asked if I was sorry that he chose to join the Marines. No. I'm not sorry at all. He is doing what he was meant to do. This is his destiny. I know that with all of my soul. It's just hard for a Mom to let go. It's hard for me to lose grasp of the one person that has had the most impact on my life.

I shall try harder to be strong and supportive and proud. I AM proud of him. He's already doing things I would never have dreamt of doing. My pride for him courses through my veins and is a part of my entire being. I just miss him. I miss him more than I ever thought I would. I was watching The Polar Express the other night and the children were talking about decorating the tree with the whole family there and I burst into tears again. Canaan asked me what was wrong and I just told him I didn't want to talk about it. Reality is that Adam WON'T be here to set up the tree. That makes me sad. What do I do? Do I make the rest of the family wait to set up the tree until he gets home? Is that being selfish too? I was digging through a box of Christmas decorations and came across his stocking. Again, the tears turned on. I had to put it back in the box. God, I don't know what to do or how to act anymore. I feel like a blubbering fool. Such a hard time of year for Adam not to be home. If he had gone through boot camp earlier in the year, maybe it would be easier by now. I'm also going to miss his birthday. That makes me sad too.

I hope he makes it home for Christmas and something else doesn't come up. The only thing left for me to do is hope and pray. I'll try harder to be strong, supportive and motivated for you son.