Emotions

Well, Adam landed in Texas today and was getting ready to take a taxi out to the base. He sounded nervous as I imagine he WOULD be. He ended up delayed so he didn't get to travel with the other Marines with the same MOS. He was all alone. I could hear a little sorrow in his voice, amongst the nerves. He said a retired Marine spotting him at the airport in Dallas (hard to miss the Marines carrying around their "body bags" with uniforms in them). The man asked where the young Devil Dog was headed and Adam told him. This man actually knew the base rather well and had a lot of good things to say about it. Adam was happy to hear good things about it since he had no idea what to expect.

There is a huge amount of the unknown now. He doesn't know what they are going to have him doing and I know even less. The only thing I can do is imagine and pray that they can't find him anything "to do" and send him home to do some RA. I know it's not going to be for Thanksgiving. I'm not going to pretend there is a chance. I actually don't even want to think about it at all. Thanksgiving is going to be so hard without him. I will just have to baste that turkey with tears and pray they give him a good meal and some good company for the holiday. Now we just pray for Christmas. One step at a time.

My emotions are all over the place anymore. I feel like a baby! I break down into tears over everything! I can't listen to the country stations anymore because they play too many soldier songs. Every single one of them gets me. At my nephew's Court of Honor for Eagle Scouts they made a special recognition for the soldiers that are protecting this country and I started to cry! I tried to hide it, but I couldn't stop it! Every time I get one of those heartfelt stories about soldiers, I lose it too! I don't know why! I feel like my emotions are out of control! I'm very proud of my son doing what he's doing. I'm just scared of the unknown. This started with him leaving for boot camp and just keeps getting harder. There was recruit graduation. Then his first missed holiday. Each thing feels like it's pulling another small piece out of my gut. I've never been the type to be sappy and emotional. I can usually swallow things and move on, pretending that I'm strong enough to handle things. Why then am I having such a hard time handing this? Why is this so difficult for me? I can't explain this feeling.

My sister, being the wife of a military man said I'll get use to it. I'm sure I will in time, but right now I can't. I don't want to accept the fact that I cannot protect my son anymore. He is MY protector now, but for some reason that doesn't feel right. I'm the mom. I'm supposed to make sure nothing bad happens to him. I'm supposed to be there when it hurts, be it on the inside or the outside.

When I hung up the phone with him earlier, I again told him to "be good". I meant to say it this time, unlike just before boot camp. I said it instead of saying "be safe" because he would have heard the fear in my voice. I have to keep being strong. I have to keep supporting him.

...but it's getting hard to keep swallowing how I feel.