It has been 19 days since I last heard from my son. The silence is no longer serene, it is deafening. This is so hard to go from being able to pick up the phone and call him to nothing. I don't know how he is doing. I don't know how he's feeling. I don't even know if he's healthy or sick. Too many unknowns for a paranoid mother to handle. I really didn't think it was going to be this hard. I didn't think I was going to miss him this much. He was, to be honest, a pain in the ass the last six weeks before he left. He drove me crazy! Now that he's gone, I miss that "crazy".
I know he's busy doing "Marine" stuff and probably doesn't have time to write much. I know that if given a choice to write to his mom or to his girlfriend, of course he's going to choose his girlfriend. I know this, but it doesn't make it hurt less.
It seems like everything reminds me of him. We will be watching the Food Network (a popular channel in our house) and I start to miss the cooking "throw-downs" that he and I use to have. (I usually kicked his butt, but thats beside the point!) Every time I hear a Poison song on the radio, it reminds me of him. The Poison concert was the last thing we did together. I cry every time I hear a soldier song on the radio. I try not to let my mind think about where he could end up after boot camp. Sometimes that's hard block out though. Especially with these elections coming up. So much talk about soldiers in distant lands. I'm not going to lie. I worry about the choice that he has made. I know it was probably the best choice he will have made in his life, but the unknown is ever present in his future.
I've been thinking about graduation and getting to see him. I guess it just didn't sink in, but he will be graduating in a little over a month!! Whoa! That makes me very excited. I cannot wait to see him, even though I am a little afraid of who he will be the next time I see him. I'm going to cry, I know I am. I don't know how I will NOT cry. I just have to remember the tears will fall out of pride. I am so proud of my boy. I just started looking at hotels and such for my trip out. The rest of the family is sad because they cannot go, but at least he will be coming back with me, if just for a short visit. His cat won't know who he is when he walks in. He probably won't recognize him. Ha. I probably won't recognize him when I see him either.
Stay safe and strong my son. I love you.
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Heather,
Hi, my name it Tina and I saved your blog link the other day when I saw it on the adopt cleft Yahoo group . . . I was following Ella's story, poor sweet babe.
Anyhow, I am amazed at the similarities between our families. We have three older children (22,20 & 16), and two little ones. We are a family of seven, sound familiar? The little ones are four and three. Brogan(4) is biological, and Teddi(3) just came home from China in May, she is cleft lip (repaired) and palate (to be repaired Sept. 30th.). If I remember right Teddi and Ella are close in age--Teddi will be four on January 5th.
Along with being a military wife for 25 years, I am also a miltary mom. I sent my oldest, Bryce, off for Air Force basic training nearly 19 months ago, and I think it was the hardest thing I have ever done as a mom. Thankfully he has not deployed as he is in a job that, for now, keeps him stateside. He is a Survival School Instructor (in Spokane,WA)--and I am a proud mama in San Antonio, TX!
Okay, all this to say that I know the ache of letting go . . . and waiting to hear . . . and waiting some more. And wondering how they are doing . . . and even wishing that they were back, raiding the refrigerator, and eating you out of house and home.
I just wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you, and also to share a poem that I wrote a couple of weeks before Bryce left for bacic training. (It mentions God--so if you find that offensive, I apologize and you can just hit delete.)
Fly Strong
My firstborn bird is getting ready to fly,
He’s perched on the nest’s edge, wings ready to try.
How did we get here? I wish it weren’t so. . .
My babe is a man now just waiting to go.
I say, “Lord I’m not ready; I don’t want him to leave,”
God’s still small voice speaks gently to me.
He reminds me with love, of the last twenty years. . .
Of memories of good times, of laughter, of tears.
“He’s ready, he’s waiting, you’ve done all you can.
You’ve brought him up well from a babe to a man.
I’ll take it from here, you pray and you watch.
He’ll soar, you will see, just give him a nudge.
There he goes; flying high, like you knew that he would.
It’s sad and it’s hard, but it’s great and it’s good!”
Thank you Lord, thank you, for holding us up!
My bird as he flies and me as I watch.
To my bird I say, “Trust Him with all of your cares.
He’s the wind ‘neath your wings, he’s your strength in the air.”
I love you my God, and I love you my bird,
Fly high, fly strong, take your place, CHANGE the world!
“But those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.” Isaiah 40:3
I hope this helps, in some small way, to ease the pain of missing your son. Hold on to the thought that you will see him at his graduation soon--standing tall and proud!
I miss my baby like crazy sometimes, but it does get easier as time goes on. . . Especially once they are able to communicate with you again!
This is really long for a comment--but it's the only way I knew how to contact you.
Blessings~
Tina Winder
http://oneblessednest.blogspot.com/
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