"Just Be Strong and Supportive" he says...

...but he knows not how hard that really is. Strong. I've learned the true meaning of that word in the last many months. It has absolutely nothing to do with how heavy are the weights are that you lift nor how big the furniture is that your friend asks you to help move, ha ha. True strength is how strong your heart is. A Marine Mom's heart has to endure what seem like endless disappointments when her son can't call or come home when SHE wants him to be. Her heart has to miss him so deeply that it hurts, yet still put on a smiling face or a cheerful voice for her son. And I'm just starting out! I'm still new at the Marine Mom stuff! My heart might need an exercise regiment to be strong enough.

This is my challenge. I found out that he won't be coming home until the weekend before Christmas (from Cat's blog). He didn't tell me himself and Cat thought I knew already. I cried. It stung. It still does sting when I think about it. When he finally did call me, I burst into tears again. I couldn't stop it. I feel selfish, but I really wanted him to come home sooner. It made him upset because I was crying. I didn't mean to do that. He certainly doesn't need that pressure right now. I know he has no control over anything he does now. He told me that I have to be strong for him and just be here to support him. I'm trying. I really am trying! I told him it was hard. He asked if I was sorry that he chose to join the Marines. No. I'm not sorry at all. He is doing what he was meant to do. This is his destiny. I know that with all of my soul. It's just hard for a Mom to let go. It's hard for me to lose grasp of the one person that has had the most impact on my life.

I shall try harder to be strong and supportive and proud. I AM proud of him. He's already doing things I would never have dreamt of doing. My pride for him courses through my veins and is a part of my entire being. I just miss him. I miss him more than I ever thought I would. I was watching The Polar Express the other night and the children were talking about decorating the tree with the whole family there and I burst into tears again. Canaan asked me what was wrong and I just told him I didn't want to talk about it. Reality is that Adam WON'T be here to set up the tree. That makes me sad. What do I do? Do I make the rest of the family wait to set up the tree until he gets home? Is that being selfish too? I was digging through a box of Christmas decorations and came across his stocking. Again, the tears turned on. I had to put it back in the box. God, I don't know what to do or how to act anymore. I feel like a blubbering fool. Such a hard time of year for Adam not to be home. If he had gone through boot camp earlier in the year, maybe it would be easier by now. I'm also going to miss his birthday. That makes me sad too.

I hope he makes it home for Christmas and something else doesn't come up. The only thing left for me to do is hope and pray. I'll try harder to be strong, supportive and motivated for you son.

Emotions

Well, Adam landed in Texas today and was getting ready to take a taxi out to the base. He sounded nervous as I imagine he WOULD be. He ended up delayed so he didn't get to travel with the other Marines with the same MOS. He was all alone. I could hear a little sorrow in his voice, amongst the nerves. He said a retired Marine spotting him at the airport in Dallas (hard to miss the Marines carrying around their "body bags" with uniforms in them). The man asked where the young Devil Dog was headed and Adam told him. This man actually knew the base rather well and had a lot of good things to say about it. Adam was happy to hear good things about it since he had no idea what to expect.

There is a huge amount of the unknown now. He doesn't know what they are going to have him doing and I know even less. The only thing I can do is imagine and pray that they can't find him anything "to do" and send him home to do some RA. I know it's not going to be for Thanksgiving. I'm not going to pretend there is a chance. I actually don't even want to think about it at all. Thanksgiving is going to be so hard without him. I will just have to baste that turkey with tears and pray they give him a good meal and some good company for the holiday. Now we just pray for Christmas. One step at a time.

My emotions are all over the place anymore. I feel like a baby! I break down into tears over everything! I can't listen to the country stations anymore because they play too many soldier songs. Every single one of them gets me. At my nephew's Court of Honor for Eagle Scouts they made a special recognition for the soldiers that are protecting this country and I started to cry! I tried to hide it, but I couldn't stop it! Every time I get one of those heartfelt stories about soldiers, I lose it too! I don't know why! I feel like my emotions are out of control! I'm very proud of my son doing what he's doing. I'm just scared of the unknown. This started with him leaving for boot camp and just keeps getting harder. There was recruit graduation. Then his first missed holiday. Each thing feels like it's pulling another small piece out of my gut. I've never been the type to be sappy and emotional. I can usually swallow things and move on, pretending that I'm strong enough to handle things. Why then am I having such a hard time handing this? Why is this so difficult for me? I can't explain this feeling.

My sister, being the wife of a military man said I'll get use to it. I'm sure I will in time, but right now I can't. I don't want to accept the fact that I cannot protect my son anymore. He is MY protector now, but for some reason that doesn't feel right. I'm the mom. I'm supposed to make sure nothing bad happens to him. I'm supposed to be there when it hurts, be it on the inside or the outside.

When I hung up the phone with him earlier, I again told him to "be good". I meant to say it this time, unlike just before boot camp. I said it instead of saying "be safe" because he would have heard the fear in my voice. I have to keep being strong. I have to keep supporting him.

...but it's getting hard to keep swallowing how I feel.

A Hard Reality

Any time a phone call from your son starts with "I have good news and I have bad news", you know it's going to be tough. That held true with the phone call I got from Adam on Sunday night. I really wasn't expecting to hear from him at all. He had warned me that he would be really busy and that he may not be able to call until Tuesday when he was released from MOS. It was a happy surprise when my phone rang and I saw his face come up on caller ID. It WAS until I got the good news/bad news phrase. He told me he had been one of the four men that were up for company honorman. It was nice for him to be recognized, even though he didn't make the title! However, he's also been placed on Grad Hold which means he's not graduating with the rest of his platoon. Something about not having all of his paperwork ready, blah, blah, blah. Not something that really surprised me. He belongs to the military now so snaggles are inevitable! Then I asked him point blank if that meant he wasn't going to make it home for Thanksgiving. Yes. My eyes welled up almost instantly with the sting of reality. I knew this COULD happen, but I guess I didn't want to think it WOULD. He kept telling me it was really looking like he would be making it home for the holidays and I actually started to get excited. I should not have done that.

This Thanksgiving is going to be my hardest. It will be the first one in so many years that we are not "going to Grandma's house". No biggie. We are all actually looking forward to having a quiet dinner at home. BUT, it was supposed to be the SEVEN of us. Adam was supposed to be here. He is my chef buddy! I can't cook without him! Who else will have a cooking throwdown with me? Not his brothers. I love them to death, but they are just not Adam. HE is my chef. We work so well together in the kitchen! We share the same ideas and methods. How am I going to get through it without him? With a lot of tears probably. He was supposed to be home.

I know this is only the first of MANY holidays he's going to miss. This first one is the hardest though. It's so hard to swallow the reality that my boy is all grown up now. I can't seem to remember where all the time went. I also realized that all the bad things we went through (mainly through his teen years, ha ha) have just disappeared. They no longer matter. He is the man he is meant to be. Still. It's hard. He promises a cooking throwdown at Christmas, but it won't be the same. Thanksgiving was OUR holiday. Something that no one else fully understood. I hope they at least are able to give him some turkey at the air base where he's headed. It won't be as good, but he needs to have SOME! I want to get excited about Christmas, but I can't yet. Too many "snaggles" can happen between now and then.

I can't even think about where he will spend Thanksgiving and Christmas next year. I'm not ready to go there yet.

Reality and the Unknown

Now that my son is officially a US Marine, I of course joined a bunch of online Marine Parents groups. I've spent the last few weeks reading posts and looking at pictures of some great looking Marines. I've also started getting a strong dose of reality. The reality is that my son's future is somewhat unknown. I don't know where the military will send him. I know where they COULD send him. A military mom's worst fear. Or even worse than I can fear.

I hate to think about it that way, but I have to be honest with myself. I can't keep pretending none of this is happening. He's grown up now. Adam is a Marine now. He belongs to the government. He is a tool. He is a weapon. Still, he's my boy! I'm still scared. I'm scared for what I don't know. I'm scared of him going too far away from me. I'm scared of him never returning. I look through the pictures of the Marines in places I cannot even fathom with fear. All of them are "someone's boy". That can very well be my boy.

Still, though this new reality has me scared, it also carries a weird sense of pride. I say weird because I do not fully understand it. I am proud of my Marine even though I know he could and would give his life for his country. I say weird because I look at the faces of these Marines that have been deployed to so many places and see the happiness and pride in their faces! Many of them look like they are "having fun", like at a summer camp. But this reality does not include a "summer camp". That is why I feel this weird pride.

I haven't had much contact with my son while he's in MCT. He's busy and doesn't get free time often. I understand that and would expect nothing less. I am still not sure what is going to happen after MCT. I'm not getting my hopes up (too high) for him being over Christmas although he keeps telling me not to worry. I guess we shall see when it gets here.

And then there is his neptuals that are already being planned. Sigh. I'm happy and scared all at the same time. I just hope they wait long enough. I hope they have the time to plan their perfect wedding.