When I thought you weren't looking...

When I thought YOU weren’t looking…
I hung my head over the side of the crib
And watched you sleep, gently stroking your soft hair
I watched your every breath
And your tiny fingers twitch as you dreamt

When I thought YOU weren’t looking…
I watched you take those first steps
All the while my heart skipping a beat with every movement
I saw your concentration and determination
And the enormous smile when you did it all by yourself

When I thought YOU weren’t looking…
I held my breath as your school bus pulled away
And then followed the bus all the way to school
I saw the excitement on your face as you walked in
As my heart pounded and my eyes welled up with tears

When I thought YOU weren’t looking…
I watched you peddle away on your bicycle for the first time
Without the training wheels on
I saw the joy and accomplishment in you
And felt the fear in me growing, with the hospital on speed dial

When I thought YOU weren’t looking…
I watched you getting ready for your first date
With excitement and nervousness
I saw a handsome young man
Where a boy stood before

When I thought YOU weren’t looking…
I watched you methodically double check your back pack
Ensuring you had everything you could possibly need
I saw that you were nervous
But ready to finally take on High School

When I thought YOU weren’t looking…
I gasped for breath as they called your name
And you walked up in your cap and gown to receive your diploma
I couldn’t help but see my little boy who had grown up so fast
And was fearlessly ready to take on the world

When I thought YOU weren’t looking…
I stood at your doorway on the night before
You were to leave for boot camp
I watched you dream for the last time
I prayed that you would be safe
I wished you had not grown up yet

When I thought YOU weren’t looking…
I dropped you off at the recruiting office
And drove away without you as I wept
I was so proud of who you had become
But didn’t know what I was going to do without you

When I KNOW you weren’t looking…
I boxed up your things to go to storage
And sat on the floor in your bedroom and cried
I already missed you so much
And felt like my heart had been torn out

When I dreamt you WERE looking…
I wrapped my arms around you
And gazed in awe at the amazing Marine you had become
I saw you as my little boy
Who had become a man
…and I was never more proud of you or loved you more

Tickets are booked!

I'm going to see my son!!! It feels so good to have the ticket booked to go out to Adam's graduation. I can hardly believe it's three weeks away! It feels like an eternity since I saw him last though. I know his graduation is rapidly approaching and it's a very exciting time, but I can't help thinking about when he leaves again. His time home will be short and bittersweet. He's hoping to get some time with Recruiter's Assistance (a little extra time home in return for helping the recruiters and poolies). That would be nice, but somehow I bet he'll be spending more time with his girlfriend then he will his family. Sigh. How did my boy grow up so quick behind my back? Was it when I wasn't looking?

I got a really good letter from him last weekend. It had some things that I really needed to hear from him. He told me that he would always be my best friend, no matter where in the world he was. He promised we would never lose the relationship we have. He also told me something I had already noticed. He feels like he's starting to change. He says he feels more like a Marine. He can "roll his sleeves and blouse his boots better" now. I guess that's important. Lol. I had already noticed the change in him, just by his letters. I'm sad that my boy is all grown up, but I could not be more proud of him than I am right now. He is truly My Hero.

The Silence is deafening

It has been 19 days since I last heard from my son. The silence is no longer serene, it is deafening. This is so hard to go from being able to pick up the phone and call him to nothing. I don't know how he is doing. I don't know how he's feeling. I don't even know if he's healthy or sick. Too many unknowns for a paranoid mother to handle. I really didn't think it was going to be this hard. I didn't think I was going to miss him this much. He was, to be honest, a pain in the ass the last six weeks before he left. He drove me crazy! Now that he's gone, I miss that "crazy".

I know he's busy doing "Marine" stuff and probably doesn't have time to write much. I know that if given a choice to write to his mom or to his girlfriend, of course he's going to choose his girlfriend. I know this, but it doesn't make it hurt less.

It seems like everything reminds me of him. We will be watching the Food Network (a popular channel in our house) and I start to miss the cooking "throw-downs" that he and I use to have. (I usually kicked his butt, but thats beside the point!) Every time I hear a Poison song on the radio, it reminds me of him. The Poison concert was the last thing we did together. I cry every time I hear a soldier song on the radio. I try not to let my mind think about where he could end up after boot camp. Sometimes that's hard block out though. Especially with these elections coming up. So much talk about soldiers in distant lands. I'm not going to lie. I worry about the choice that he has made. I know it was probably the best choice he will have made in his life, but the unknown is ever present in his future.

I've been thinking about graduation and getting to see him. I guess it just didn't sink in, but he will be graduating in a little over a month!! Whoa! That makes me very excited. I cannot wait to see him, even though I am a little afraid of who he will be the next time I see him. I'm going to cry, I know I am. I don't know how I will NOT cry. I just have to remember the tears will fall out of pride. I am so proud of my boy. I just started looking at hotels and such for my trip out. The rest of the family is sad because they cannot go, but at least he will be coming back with me, if just for a short visit. His cat won't know who he is when he walks in. He probably won't recognize him. Ha. I probably won't recognize him when I see him either.

Stay safe and strong my son. I love you.