The Holidays, A New Year and a Realization

Well, Adam made it home for Christmas, thankfully. It was still up in the air if he was going to make it and WHEN for a while. It was so hard to shop for him for Christmas. He's so different now. He's in a different world. I asked myself the same question over and over. "What does a young Marine need?" It was tough to answer that.

His time home was nice. He spent a little more time ACTUALLY at home than last time. He AND Cat I mean. Even if it was just hanging out watching movies, at least he was there. He kept his little brother in line a few times, which was weird for me now looking back on how Adam USE to be. He was just like his little brother.

I learned something while he was home this time. Something that I knew was inevitable, but something I was hoping was not going to start yet. I noticed the gap between us growing. He's drifting away from dear 'ol mom. I know he's grown up now, but since he left for boot camp way back in July, I have felt closer to him than I have been in a long time. We talked a lot more than we use to, be it in letters or on the phone. Now, the conversation is harder to start or keep going. While he was home, it didn't FEEL like he was "home", rather only visiting. It felt different this time. Again, I blame the distance that is growing between us. My young bird has left the nest and as his mother, it's so hard to accept deep down in my gut.

Yesterday his Boot Camp Year Book arrived in the mail (slightly bruised thanks to the postal service). I actually didn't even know it was coming. It's a very cool book. I hope we can order another one so I can have one all to myself. I sat there for over an hour looking through the pictures of MCRD, remembering Family Day and Graduation a few months ago. I remember seeing him for the first time during the moto run. I remember crying when I saw him. He was SO different. So proper yet numb. I remember seeing him in uniform for the first time. I remembering wrapping my arms around him after graduation and telling him "You did it". I looked through the pictures of boot camp, which I had NOT seen before. It was extremely enlightening seeing the faces of all those boys when they first arrived and how they changed and grew and became men as they went through training, eventually becoming proud Marines. I saw the fierce passion in their faces as the pushed themselves through everything they faced. Yes, I did spot Adam in a few of the pictures. In one of the pictures, he was helping to carry this huge timber pole and his face showed this fierce passion and determination. It's a truly great picture of him. Now one of my favorites.

I made it half way through the "yearbook" and read something that made me stop. I couldn't stop the tears welling up in my eyes and eventually falling down my cheeks. I couldn't swallow the lump in my throat nor ease the sting in the pit of my stomach. It was the Rifleman's Creed. Though I would rather choose to ignore or deny it, the true fact remains evident. My son is soldier. He has been trained to and is prepared to take the life of another human being if the need ever arises. He is ready and willing to go to war. It made me respect him more for what he has been through and will go through during his time in the Marine Corp for it is not something that I myself could do. It also reminded me that when he finishes his MOS schooling (in March, not September like originally thought), that he can and probably will be deployed. Just that word strikes fear in this (and every) mother's heart. It terrifies me, though I knew from the very beginning that it was always a possibility. I feel selfish by wishing I could tell them "Not my son!". I wish I could protect him, but I can't. He is going to protect me. He's going to protect us all. Though pride is ever present in my plethora of feelings, so is fear and anxiety.

So this new year is guaranteed to bring many new events. I will have a daughter-in-law by year's end. My son will graduate as a Marine Fire Fighter and could end up being whisked away to a distant land to help protect the freedoms that I often take for granted. He is a proud Marine who will not back down when called to action. I just pray that he stays safe.