I didn't realize how long it had been since I last updated the blog. So much has changed too. Adam had a total ball at the Fire Academy at Goodfellow AFB. It was almost "cute" hearing him tell me stories of him catching his PANTS on fire. (I didn't think it was as amusing as he did.) He graduated near the top of his class and we all could not be prouder. I think I downloaded over 300 pictures that were taken during his time at the academy. He was shocked that I was able to recognize him in several of the pictures. DUH!! I'm his mom!
He called me a few weeks before graduation though and scared the holy hell out of me. I answered the phone and he said "Hey Mom. I got my orders." Then he went silent. Oh god, this was the call I was dreading. I was waiting for him to tell me he was being deployed. My heart began to race as I muttered "AND????" Then he asks "Where is the worst place you can think of that they can be sending me?" My heart felt like it stopped. The tears welled up. I started to shake. I was driving and almost had to pull over. I told him "Just TELL me!" Then he sort of chuckled and said "So Kenohe Bay, Hawaii wouldn't be the worst place you could think of?" I'll tell you one thing. I almost KILLED the boy when he came home on leave. That was a sick joke to pull on his mother! When he told me he hadn't told his fiance, Cat, yet, I warned him that he BETTER NOT do that to her too. Uhg! He thought it was funny as hell.
His time on leave went by quickly. Before we all knew it, he was leaving again. I should be getting good at saying goodbye to him, but it's still hard.
Adam seems to be enjoying his job and enjoying Hawaii. He's been snorkling and body boarding and has been spending plenty of time at the beach. Sigh. I'm so jealous. A few weeks ago, he invested in a little convertible to toot around the island in. Now I'm really jealous. Cat is planning to join him in Hawaii in August I think. They are planning on getting married in Hawaii (a little ceremony on the beach perhaps) but because he used up all his leave, he won't be coming home. I'm very sad about that. They are still planning on coming home in the Summer of 2010 and having a "family" wedding and reception, but it's not quite the same. I won't get to watch my first born child get married. That breaks my heart. Still, I respect that this is THEIR choice to make.
Oh, and just last week, Adam was "pinned" a Lance Corporal! Not bad for less than a year!
Monday, June 8, 2009
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Completely Disgraceful
I have caught myself noticing little things as I drive or shop. I notice military stickers and logos. I notice people in uniform. I notice the Marine haircuts and the way military people carry themselves, with honor and pride. I notice how many American flags are proudly displayed outside houses. Unfortunately, I notice things that may not have even phased me before.
The other morning driving in to work, there was a car full of men in front of me. One in the back was wearing a Marine desert cami "cover" with his name on the back (or just assuming it was HIS name). He was wearing it "gangster" style and whoa did it get my blood boiling! It was pulled down as tight as it could be (unlike how it's supposed to be worn), the brim was nearly folded into a peak and he had the thing on almost sideways! I almost took a picture with my camera phone. I was so disgusted. IF it was his cover and he was a Marine (active or otherwise), how disrespectful of him to dishonor the uniform as such! Didn't he make it through recruit training (and possibly more) with an ounce of respect for the title, not to mention the uniform? If it wasn't his, how incredibly disrespectful!
Marines are MADE. You can't just put on the "hat" and pretend. Marines go through too much to be who they are, they deserve far more respect than that!
Completely disgraceful!
The other morning driving in to work, there was a car full of men in front of me. One in the back was wearing a Marine desert cami "cover" with his name on the back (or just assuming it was HIS name). He was wearing it "gangster" style and whoa did it get my blood boiling! It was pulled down as tight as it could be (unlike how it's supposed to be worn), the brim was nearly folded into a peak and he had the thing on almost sideways! I almost took a picture with my camera phone. I was so disgusted. IF it was his cover and he was a Marine (active or otherwise), how disrespectful of him to dishonor the uniform as such! Didn't he make it through recruit training (and possibly more) with an ounce of respect for the title, not to mention the uniform? If it wasn't his, how incredibly disrespectful!
Marines are MADE. You can't just put on the "hat" and pretend. Marines go through too much to be who they are, they deserve far more respect than that!
Completely disgraceful!
Monday, January 5, 2009
The Holidays, A New Year and a Realization
Well, Adam made it home for Christmas, thankfully. It was still up in the air if he was going to make it and WHEN for a while. It was so hard to shop for him for Christmas. He's so different now. He's in a different world. I asked myself the same question over and over. "What does a young Marine need?" It was tough to answer that.
His time home was nice. He spent a little more time ACTUALLY at home than last time. He AND Cat I mean. Even if it was just hanging out watching movies, at least he was there. He kept his little brother in line a few times, which was weird for me now looking back on how Adam USE to be. He was just like his little brother.
I learned something while he was home this time. Something that I knew was inevitable, but something I was hoping was not going to start yet. I noticed the gap between us growing. He's drifting away from dear 'ol mom. I know he's grown up now, but since he left for boot camp way back in July, I have felt closer to him than I have been in a long time. We talked a lot more than we use to, be it in letters or on the phone. Now, the conversation is harder to start or keep going. While he was home, it didn't FEEL like he was "home", rather only visiting. It felt different this time. Again, I blame the distance that is growing between us. My young bird has left the nest and as his mother, it's so hard to accept deep down in my gut.
Yesterday his Boot Camp Year Book arrived in the mail (slightly bruised thanks to the postal service). I actually didn't even know it was coming. It's a very cool book. I hope we can order another one so I can have one all to myself. I sat there for over an hour looking through the pictures of MCRD, remembering Family Day and Graduation a few months ago. I remember seeing him for the first time during the moto run. I remember crying when I saw him. He was SO different. So proper yet numb. I remember seeing him in uniform for the first time. I remembering wrapping my arms around him after graduation and telling him "You did it". I looked through the pictures of boot camp, which I had NOT seen before. It was extremely enlightening seeing the faces of all those boys when they first arrived and how they changed and grew and became men as they went through training, eventually becoming proud Marines. I saw the fierce passion in their faces as the pushed themselves through everything they faced. Yes, I did spot Adam in a few of the pictures. In one of the pictures, he was helping to carry this huge timber pole and his face showed this fierce passion and determination. It's a truly great picture of him. Now one of my favorites.
I made it half way through the "yearbook" and read something that made me stop. I couldn't stop the tears welling up in my eyes and eventually falling down my cheeks. I couldn't swallow the lump in my throat nor ease the sting in the pit of my stomach. It was the Rifleman's Creed. Though I would rather choose to ignore or deny it, the true fact remains evident. My son is soldier. He has been trained to and is prepared to take the life of another human being if the need ever arises. He is ready and willing to go to war. It made me respect him more for what he has been through and will go through during his time in the Marine Corp for it is not something that I myself could do. It also reminded me that when he finishes his MOS schooling (in March, not September like originally thought), that he can and probably will be deployed. Just that word strikes fear in this (and every) mother's heart. It terrifies me, though I knew from the very beginning that it was always a possibility. I feel selfish by wishing I could tell them "Not my son!". I wish I could protect him, but I can't. He is going to protect me. He's going to protect us all. Though pride is ever present in my plethora of feelings, so is fear and anxiety.
So this new year is guaranteed to bring many new events. I will have a daughter-in-law by year's end. My son will graduate as a Marine Fire Fighter and could end up being whisked away to a distant land to help protect the freedoms that I often take for granted. He is a proud Marine who will not back down when called to action. I just pray that he stays safe.
His time home was nice. He spent a little more time ACTUALLY at home than last time. He AND Cat I mean. Even if it was just hanging out watching movies, at least he was there. He kept his little brother in line a few times, which was weird for me now looking back on how Adam USE to be. He was just like his little brother.
I learned something while he was home this time. Something that I knew was inevitable, but something I was hoping was not going to start yet. I noticed the gap between us growing. He's drifting away from dear 'ol mom. I know he's grown up now, but since he left for boot camp way back in July, I have felt closer to him than I have been in a long time. We talked a lot more than we use to, be it in letters or on the phone. Now, the conversation is harder to start or keep going. While he was home, it didn't FEEL like he was "home", rather only visiting. It felt different this time. Again, I blame the distance that is growing between us. My young bird has left the nest and as his mother, it's so hard to accept deep down in my gut.
Yesterday his Boot Camp Year Book arrived in the mail (slightly bruised thanks to the postal service). I actually didn't even know it was coming. It's a very cool book. I hope we can order another one so I can have one all to myself. I sat there for over an hour looking through the pictures of MCRD, remembering Family Day and Graduation a few months ago. I remember seeing him for the first time during the moto run. I remember crying when I saw him. He was SO different. So proper yet numb. I remember seeing him in uniform for the first time. I remembering wrapping my arms around him after graduation and telling him "You did it". I looked through the pictures of boot camp, which I had NOT seen before. It was extremely enlightening seeing the faces of all those boys when they first arrived and how they changed and grew and became men as they went through training, eventually becoming proud Marines. I saw the fierce passion in their faces as the pushed themselves through everything they faced. Yes, I did spot Adam in a few of the pictures. In one of the pictures, he was helping to carry this huge timber pole and his face showed this fierce passion and determination. It's a truly great picture of him. Now one of my favorites.
I made it half way through the "yearbook" and read something that made me stop. I couldn't stop the tears welling up in my eyes and eventually falling down my cheeks. I couldn't swallow the lump in my throat nor ease the sting in the pit of my stomach. It was the Rifleman's Creed. Though I would rather choose to ignore or deny it, the true fact remains evident. My son is soldier. He has been trained to and is prepared to take the life of another human being if the need ever arises. He is ready and willing to go to war. It made me respect him more for what he has been through and will go through during his time in the Marine Corp for it is not something that I myself could do. It also reminded me that when he finishes his MOS schooling (in March, not September like originally thought), that he can and probably will be deployed. Just that word strikes fear in this (and every) mother's heart. It terrifies me, though I knew from the very beginning that it was always a possibility. I feel selfish by wishing I could tell them "Not my son!". I wish I could protect him, but I can't. He is going to protect me. He's going to protect us all. Though pride is ever present in my plethora of feelings, so is fear and anxiety.
So this new year is guaranteed to bring many new events. I will have a daughter-in-law by year's end. My son will graduate as a Marine Fire Fighter and could end up being whisked away to a distant land to help protect the freedoms that I often take for granted. He is a proud Marine who will not back down when called to action. I just pray that he stays safe.
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
Made it through the 1st holiday without him!
Well, Thanksgiving came and went even though my son was not there to share it with. He DID call a couple times, but it was still weird without him there. I know he would have been nit-picking my turkey and claiming he could have done a better job! Ha! THAT would have been more normal for me. I will admit that it was HARD doing all that cooking without my cooking buddy. By the end of the day, I was exhausted!
Adam said he got a good meal, but it was still not the same. Then they just "hung out". I wonder if how he felt throughout the day. That has to be weird for him too. I wonder how homesick he gets. He certainly doesn't drop any hints about being homesick to me, but I would be willing to bet he does when he talks to Cat. It's so weird now that he is an adult. It seems just yesterday he was a little boy.
I ventured out on Black Friday (must be crazy) and did some Christmas shopping. I'm having a hard time figuring out what to get Adam for Christmas. I mean, what does a Marine need? What CAN he have? The older the kids get, the harder Christmas shopping gets, but this is far and away the hardest year. I just hope that I don't have to ship his Christmas presents to him because he isn't able to make it home. That's the only thing I want for Christmas. My son to come home so we are a family again. Without him, it just doesn't feel the same.
Adam said he got a good meal, but it was still not the same. Then they just "hung out". I wonder if how he felt throughout the day. That has to be weird for him too. I wonder how homesick he gets. He certainly doesn't drop any hints about being homesick to me, but I would be willing to bet he does when he talks to Cat. It's so weird now that he is an adult. It seems just yesterday he was a little boy.
I ventured out on Black Friday (must be crazy) and did some Christmas shopping. I'm having a hard time figuring out what to get Adam for Christmas. I mean, what does a Marine need? What CAN he have? The older the kids get, the harder Christmas shopping gets, but this is far and away the hardest year. I just hope that I don't have to ship his Christmas presents to him because he isn't able to make it home. That's the only thing I want for Christmas. My son to come home so we are a family again. Without him, it just doesn't feel the same.
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
"Just Be Strong and Supportive" he says...
...but he knows not how hard that really is. Strong. I've learned the true meaning of that word in the last many months. It has absolutely nothing to do with how heavy are the weights are that you lift nor how big the furniture is that your friend asks you to help move, ha ha. True strength is how strong your heart is. A Marine Mom's heart has to endure what seem like endless disappointments when her son can't call or come home when SHE wants him to be. Her heart has to miss him so deeply that it hurts, yet still put on a smiling face or a cheerful voice for her son. And I'm just starting out! I'm still new at the Marine Mom stuff! My heart might need an exercise regiment to be strong enough.
This is my challenge. I found out that he won't be coming home until the weekend before Christmas (from Cat's blog). He didn't tell me himself and Cat thought I knew already. I cried. It stung. It still does sting when I think about it. When he finally did call me, I burst into tears again. I couldn't stop it. I feel selfish, but I really wanted him to come home sooner. It made him upset because I was crying. I didn't mean to do that. He certainly doesn't need that pressure right now. I know he has no control over anything he does now. He told me that I have to be strong for him and just be here to support him. I'm trying. I really am trying! I told him it was hard. He asked if I was sorry that he chose to join the Marines. No. I'm not sorry at all. He is doing what he was meant to do. This is his destiny. I know that with all of my soul. It's just hard for a Mom to let go. It's hard for me to lose grasp of the one person that has had the most impact on my life.
I shall try harder to be strong and supportive and proud. I AM proud of him. He's already doing things I would never have dreamt of doing. My pride for him courses through my veins and is a part of my entire being. I just miss him. I miss him more than I ever thought I would. I was watching The Polar Express the other night and the children were talking about decorating the tree with the whole family there and I burst into tears again. Canaan asked me what was wrong and I just told him I didn't want to talk about it. Reality is that Adam WON'T be here to set up the tree. That makes me sad. What do I do? Do I make the rest of the family wait to set up the tree until he gets home? Is that being selfish too? I was digging through a box of Christmas decorations and came across his stocking. Again, the tears turned on. I had to put it back in the box. God, I don't know what to do or how to act anymore. I feel like a blubbering fool. Such a hard time of year for Adam not to be home. If he had gone through boot camp earlier in the year, maybe it would be easier by now. I'm also going to miss his birthday. That makes me sad too.
I hope he makes it home for Christmas and something else doesn't come up. The only thing left for me to do is hope and pray. I'll try harder to be strong, supportive and motivated for you son.
This is my challenge. I found out that he won't be coming home until the weekend before Christmas (from Cat's blog). He didn't tell me himself and Cat thought I knew already. I cried. It stung. It still does sting when I think about it. When he finally did call me, I burst into tears again. I couldn't stop it. I feel selfish, but I really wanted him to come home sooner. It made him upset because I was crying. I didn't mean to do that. He certainly doesn't need that pressure right now. I know he has no control over anything he does now. He told me that I have to be strong for him and just be here to support him. I'm trying. I really am trying! I told him it was hard. He asked if I was sorry that he chose to join the Marines. No. I'm not sorry at all. He is doing what he was meant to do. This is his destiny. I know that with all of my soul. It's just hard for a Mom to let go. It's hard for me to lose grasp of the one person that has had the most impact on my life.
I shall try harder to be strong and supportive and proud. I AM proud of him. He's already doing things I would never have dreamt of doing. My pride for him courses through my veins and is a part of my entire being. I just miss him. I miss him more than I ever thought I would. I was watching The Polar Express the other night and the children were talking about decorating the tree with the whole family there and I burst into tears again. Canaan asked me what was wrong and I just told him I didn't want to talk about it. Reality is that Adam WON'T be here to set up the tree. That makes me sad. What do I do? Do I make the rest of the family wait to set up the tree until he gets home? Is that being selfish too? I was digging through a box of Christmas decorations and came across his stocking. Again, the tears turned on. I had to put it back in the box. God, I don't know what to do or how to act anymore. I feel like a blubbering fool. Such a hard time of year for Adam not to be home. If he had gone through boot camp earlier in the year, maybe it would be easier by now. I'm also going to miss his birthday. That makes me sad too.
I hope he makes it home for Christmas and something else doesn't come up. The only thing left for me to do is hope and pray. I'll try harder to be strong, supportive and motivated for you son.
Friday, November 21, 2008
Emotions
Well, Adam landed in Texas today and was getting ready to take a taxi out to the base. He sounded nervous as I imagine he WOULD be. He ended up delayed so he didn't get to travel with the other Marines with the same MOS. He was all alone. I could hear a little sorrow in his voice, amongst the nerves. He said a retired Marine spotting him at the airport in Dallas (hard to miss the Marines carrying around their "body bags" with uniforms in them). The man asked where the young Devil Dog was headed and Adam told him. This man actually knew the base rather well and had a lot of good things to say about it. Adam was happy to hear good things about it since he had no idea what to expect.
There is a huge amount of the unknown now. He doesn't know what they are going to have him doing and I know even less. The only thing I can do is imagine and pray that they can't find him anything "to do" and send him home to do some RA. I know it's not going to be for Thanksgiving. I'm not going to pretend there is a chance. I actually don't even want to think about it at all. Thanksgiving is going to be so hard without him. I will just have to baste that turkey with tears and pray they give him a good meal and some good company for the holiday. Now we just pray for Christmas. One step at a time.
My emotions are all over the place anymore. I feel like a baby! I break down into tears over everything! I can't listen to the country stations anymore because they play too many soldier songs. Every single one of them gets me. At my nephew's Court of Honor for Eagle Scouts they made a special recognition for the soldiers that are protecting this country and I started to cry! I tried to hide it, but I couldn't stop it! Every time I get one of those heartfelt stories about soldiers, I lose it too! I don't know why! I feel like my emotions are out of control! I'm very proud of my son doing what he's doing. I'm just scared of the unknown. This started with him leaving for boot camp and just keeps getting harder. There was recruit graduation. Then his first missed holiday. Each thing feels like it's pulling another small piece out of my gut. I've never been the type to be sappy and emotional. I can usually swallow things and move on, pretending that I'm strong enough to handle things. Why then am I having such a hard time handing this? Why is this so difficult for me? I can't explain this feeling.
My sister, being the wife of a military man said I'll get use to it. I'm sure I will in time, but right now I can't. I don't want to accept the fact that I cannot protect my son anymore. He is MY protector now, but for some reason that doesn't feel right. I'm the mom. I'm supposed to make sure nothing bad happens to him. I'm supposed to be there when it hurts, be it on the inside or the outside.
When I hung up the phone with him earlier, I again told him to "be good". I meant to say it this time, unlike just before boot camp. I said it instead of saying "be safe" because he would have heard the fear in my voice. I have to keep being strong. I have to keep supporting him.
...but it's getting hard to keep swallowing how I feel.
There is a huge amount of the unknown now. He doesn't know what they are going to have him doing and I know even less. The only thing I can do is imagine and pray that they can't find him anything "to do" and send him home to do some RA. I know it's not going to be for Thanksgiving. I'm not going to pretend there is a chance. I actually don't even want to think about it at all. Thanksgiving is going to be so hard without him. I will just have to baste that turkey with tears and pray they give him a good meal and some good company for the holiday. Now we just pray for Christmas. One step at a time.
My emotions are all over the place anymore. I feel like a baby! I break down into tears over everything! I can't listen to the country stations anymore because they play too many soldier songs. Every single one of them gets me. At my nephew's Court of Honor for Eagle Scouts they made a special recognition for the soldiers that are protecting this country and I started to cry! I tried to hide it, but I couldn't stop it! Every time I get one of those heartfelt stories about soldiers, I lose it too! I don't know why! I feel like my emotions are out of control! I'm very proud of my son doing what he's doing. I'm just scared of the unknown. This started with him leaving for boot camp and just keeps getting harder. There was recruit graduation. Then his first missed holiday. Each thing feels like it's pulling another small piece out of my gut. I've never been the type to be sappy and emotional. I can usually swallow things and move on, pretending that I'm strong enough to handle things. Why then am I having such a hard time handing this? Why is this so difficult for me? I can't explain this feeling.
My sister, being the wife of a military man said I'll get use to it. I'm sure I will in time, but right now I can't. I don't want to accept the fact that I cannot protect my son anymore. He is MY protector now, but for some reason that doesn't feel right. I'm the mom. I'm supposed to make sure nothing bad happens to him. I'm supposed to be there when it hurts, be it on the inside or the outside.
When I hung up the phone with him earlier, I again told him to "be good". I meant to say it this time, unlike just before boot camp. I said it instead of saying "be safe" because he would have heard the fear in my voice. I have to keep being strong. I have to keep supporting him.
...but it's getting hard to keep swallowing how I feel.
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
A Hard Reality
Any time a phone call from your son starts with "I have good news and I have bad news", you know it's going to be tough. That held true with the phone call I got from Adam on Sunday night. I really wasn't expecting to hear from him at all. He had warned me that he would be really busy and that he may not be able to call until Tuesday when he was released from MOS. It was a happy surprise when my phone rang and I saw his face come up on caller ID. It WAS until I got the good news/bad news phrase. He told me he had been one of the four men that were up for company honorman. It was nice for him to be recognized, even though he didn't make the title! However, he's also been placed on Grad Hold which means he's not graduating with the rest of his platoon. Something about not having all of his paperwork ready, blah, blah, blah. Not something that really surprised me. He belongs to the military now so snaggles are inevitable! Then I asked him point blank if that meant he wasn't going to make it home for Thanksgiving. Yes. My eyes welled up almost instantly with the sting of reality. I knew this COULD happen, but I guess I didn't want to think it WOULD. He kept telling me it was really looking like he would be making it home for the holidays and I actually started to get excited. I should not have done that.
This Thanksgiving is going to be my hardest. It will be the first one in so many years that we are not "going to Grandma's house". No biggie. We are all actually looking forward to having a quiet dinner at home. BUT, it was supposed to be the SEVEN of us. Adam was supposed to be here. He is my chef buddy! I can't cook without him! Who else will have a cooking throwdown with me? Not his brothers. I love them to death, but they are just not Adam. HE is my chef. We work so well together in the kitchen! We share the same ideas and methods. How am I going to get through it without him? With a lot of tears probably. He was supposed to be home.
I know this is only the first of MANY holidays he's going to miss. This first one is the hardest though. It's so hard to swallow the reality that my boy is all grown up now. I can't seem to remember where all the time went. I also realized that all the bad things we went through (mainly through his teen years, ha ha) have just disappeared. They no longer matter. He is the man he is meant to be. Still. It's hard. He promises a cooking throwdown at Christmas, but it won't be the same. Thanksgiving was OUR holiday. Something that no one else fully understood. I hope they at least are able to give him some turkey at the air base where he's headed. It won't be as good, but he needs to have SOME! I want to get excited about Christmas, but I can't yet. Too many "snaggles" can happen between now and then.
I can't even think about where he will spend Thanksgiving and Christmas next year. I'm not ready to go there yet.
This Thanksgiving is going to be my hardest. It will be the first one in so many years that we are not "going to Grandma's house". No biggie. We are all actually looking forward to having a quiet dinner at home. BUT, it was supposed to be the SEVEN of us. Adam was supposed to be here. He is my chef buddy! I can't cook without him! Who else will have a cooking throwdown with me? Not his brothers. I love them to death, but they are just not Adam. HE is my chef. We work so well together in the kitchen! We share the same ideas and methods. How am I going to get through it without him? With a lot of tears probably. He was supposed to be home.
I know this is only the first of MANY holidays he's going to miss. This first one is the hardest though. It's so hard to swallow the reality that my boy is all grown up now. I can't seem to remember where all the time went. I also realized that all the bad things we went through (mainly through his teen years, ha ha) have just disappeared. They no longer matter. He is the man he is meant to be. Still. It's hard. He promises a cooking throwdown at Christmas, but it won't be the same. Thanksgiving was OUR holiday. Something that no one else fully understood. I hope they at least are able to give him some turkey at the air base where he's headed. It won't be as good, but he needs to have SOME! I want to get excited about Christmas, but I can't yet. Too many "snaggles" can happen between now and then.
I can't even think about where he will spend Thanksgiving and Christmas next year. I'm not ready to go there yet.
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