"Just Be Strong and Supportive" he says...

...but he knows not how hard that really is. Strong. I've learned the true meaning of that word in the last many months. It has absolutely nothing to do with how heavy are the weights are that you lift nor how big the furniture is that your friend asks you to help move, ha ha. True strength is how strong your heart is. A Marine Mom's heart has to endure what seem like endless disappointments when her son can't call or come home when SHE wants him to be. Her heart has to miss him so deeply that it hurts, yet still put on a smiling face or a cheerful voice for her son. And I'm just starting out! I'm still new at the Marine Mom stuff! My heart might need an exercise regiment to be strong enough.

This is my challenge. I found out that he won't be coming home until the weekend before Christmas (from Cat's blog). He didn't tell me himself and Cat thought I knew already. I cried. It stung. It still does sting when I think about it. When he finally did call me, I burst into tears again. I couldn't stop it. I feel selfish, but I really wanted him to come home sooner. It made him upset because I was crying. I didn't mean to do that. He certainly doesn't need that pressure right now. I know he has no control over anything he does now. He told me that I have to be strong for him and just be here to support him. I'm trying. I really am trying! I told him it was hard. He asked if I was sorry that he chose to join the Marines. No. I'm not sorry at all. He is doing what he was meant to do. This is his destiny. I know that with all of my soul. It's just hard for a Mom to let go. It's hard for me to lose grasp of the one person that has had the most impact on my life.

I shall try harder to be strong and supportive and proud. I AM proud of him. He's already doing things I would never have dreamt of doing. My pride for him courses through my veins and is a part of my entire being. I just miss him. I miss him more than I ever thought I would. I was watching The Polar Express the other night and the children were talking about decorating the tree with the whole family there and I burst into tears again. Canaan asked me what was wrong and I just told him I didn't want to talk about it. Reality is that Adam WON'T be here to set up the tree. That makes me sad. What do I do? Do I make the rest of the family wait to set up the tree until he gets home? Is that being selfish too? I was digging through a box of Christmas decorations and came across his stocking. Again, the tears turned on. I had to put it back in the box. God, I don't know what to do or how to act anymore. I feel like a blubbering fool. Such a hard time of year for Adam not to be home. If he had gone through boot camp earlier in the year, maybe it would be easier by now. I'm also going to miss his birthday. That makes me sad too.

I hope he makes it home for Christmas and something else doesn't come up. The only thing left for me to do is hope and pray. I'll try harder to be strong, supportive and motivated for you son.

Emotions

Well, Adam landed in Texas today and was getting ready to take a taxi out to the base. He sounded nervous as I imagine he WOULD be. He ended up delayed so he didn't get to travel with the other Marines with the same MOS. He was all alone. I could hear a little sorrow in his voice, amongst the nerves. He said a retired Marine spotting him at the airport in Dallas (hard to miss the Marines carrying around their "body bags" with uniforms in them). The man asked where the young Devil Dog was headed and Adam told him. This man actually knew the base rather well and had a lot of good things to say about it. Adam was happy to hear good things about it since he had no idea what to expect.

There is a huge amount of the unknown now. He doesn't know what they are going to have him doing and I know even less. The only thing I can do is imagine and pray that they can't find him anything "to do" and send him home to do some RA. I know it's not going to be for Thanksgiving. I'm not going to pretend there is a chance. I actually don't even want to think about it at all. Thanksgiving is going to be so hard without him. I will just have to baste that turkey with tears and pray they give him a good meal and some good company for the holiday. Now we just pray for Christmas. One step at a time.

My emotions are all over the place anymore. I feel like a baby! I break down into tears over everything! I can't listen to the country stations anymore because they play too many soldier songs. Every single one of them gets me. At my nephew's Court of Honor for Eagle Scouts they made a special recognition for the soldiers that are protecting this country and I started to cry! I tried to hide it, but I couldn't stop it! Every time I get one of those heartfelt stories about soldiers, I lose it too! I don't know why! I feel like my emotions are out of control! I'm very proud of my son doing what he's doing. I'm just scared of the unknown. This started with him leaving for boot camp and just keeps getting harder. There was recruit graduation. Then his first missed holiday. Each thing feels like it's pulling another small piece out of my gut. I've never been the type to be sappy and emotional. I can usually swallow things and move on, pretending that I'm strong enough to handle things. Why then am I having such a hard time handing this? Why is this so difficult for me? I can't explain this feeling.

My sister, being the wife of a military man said I'll get use to it. I'm sure I will in time, but right now I can't. I don't want to accept the fact that I cannot protect my son anymore. He is MY protector now, but for some reason that doesn't feel right. I'm the mom. I'm supposed to make sure nothing bad happens to him. I'm supposed to be there when it hurts, be it on the inside or the outside.

When I hung up the phone with him earlier, I again told him to "be good". I meant to say it this time, unlike just before boot camp. I said it instead of saying "be safe" because he would have heard the fear in my voice. I have to keep being strong. I have to keep supporting him.

...but it's getting hard to keep swallowing how I feel.

A Hard Reality

Any time a phone call from your son starts with "I have good news and I have bad news", you know it's going to be tough. That held true with the phone call I got from Adam on Sunday night. I really wasn't expecting to hear from him at all. He had warned me that he would be really busy and that he may not be able to call until Tuesday when he was released from MOS. It was a happy surprise when my phone rang and I saw his face come up on caller ID. It WAS until I got the good news/bad news phrase. He told me he had been one of the four men that were up for company honorman. It was nice for him to be recognized, even though he didn't make the title! However, he's also been placed on Grad Hold which means he's not graduating with the rest of his platoon. Something about not having all of his paperwork ready, blah, blah, blah. Not something that really surprised me. He belongs to the military now so snaggles are inevitable! Then I asked him point blank if that meant he wasn't going to make it home for Thanksgiving. Yes. My eyes welled up almost instantly with the sting of reality. I knew this COULD happen, but I guess I didn't want to think it WOULD. He kept telling me it was really looking like he would be making it home for the holidays and I actually started to get excited. I should not have done that.

This Thanksgiving is going to be my hardest. It will be the first one in so many years that we are not "going to Grandma's house". No biggie. We are all actually looking forward to having a quiet dinner at home. BUT, it was supposed to be the SEVEN of us. Adam was supposed to be here. He is my chef buddy! I can't cook without him! Who else will have a cooking throwdown with me? Not his brothers. I love them to death, but they are just not Adam. HE is my chef. We work so well together in the kitchen! We share the same ideas and methods. How am I going to get through it without him? With a lot of tears probably. He was supposed to be home.

I know this is only the first of MANY holidays he's going to miss. This first one is the hardest though. It's so hard to swallow the reality that my boy is all grown up now. I can't seem to remember where all the time went. I also realized that all the bad things we went through (mainly through his teen years, ha ha) have just disappeared. They no longer matter. He is the man he is meant to be. Still. It's hard. He promises a cooking throwdown at Christmas, but it won't be the same. Thanksgiving was OUR holiday. Something that no one else fully understood. I hope they at least are able to give him some turkey at the air base where he's headed. It won't be as good, but he needs to have SOME! I want to get excited about Christmas, but I can't yet. Too many "snaggles" can happen between now and then.

I can't even think about where he will spend Thanksgiving and Christmas next year. I'm not ready to go there yet.

Reality and the Unknown

Now that my son is officially a US Marine, I of course joined a bunch of online Marine Parents groups. I've spent the last few weeks reading posts and looking at pictures of some great looking Marines. I've also started getting a strong dose of reality. The reality is that my son's future is somewhat unknown. I don't know where the military will send him. I know where they COULD send him. A military mom's worst fear. Or even worse than I can fear.

I hate to think about it that way, but I have to be honest with myself. I can't keep pretending none of this is happening. He's grown up now. Adam is a Marine now. He belongs to the government. He is a tool. He is a weapon. Still, he's my boy! I'm still scared. I'm scared for what I don't know. I'm scared of him going too far away from me. I'm scared of him never returning. I look through the pictures of the Marines in places I cannot even fathom with fear. All of them are "someone's boy". That can very well be my boy.

Still, though this new reality has me scared, it also carries a weird sense of pride. I say weird because I do not fully understand it. I am proud of my Marine even though I know he could and would give his life for his country. I say weird because I look at the faces of these Marines that have been deployed to so many places and see the happiness and pride in their faces! Many of them look like they are "having fun", like at a summer camp. But this reality does not include a "summer camp". That is why I feel this weird pride.

I haven't had much contact with my son while he's in MCT. He's busy and doesn't get free time often. I understand that and would expect nothing less. I am still not sure what is going to happen after MCT. I'm not getting my hopes up (too high) for him being over Christmas although he keeps telling me not to worry. I guess we shall see when it gets here.

And then there is his neptuals that are already being planned. Sigh. I'm happy and scared all at the same time. I just hope they wait long enough. I hope they have the time to plan their perfect wedding.

Gone Again

Well, Adam left really early yesterday morning headed back to MCT. He didn't get the Recruiters Assistance that he was hoping for so all of the sudden our time together got real short real fast. He did spend some quality time with the girlfriend and with his friends and I FINALLY got my day with him (just he and I). We went shopping for engagement rings. Wow was that weird. I tried to give him an education on what to look for and why, etc. He had seen a set that he really liked when he and his (guy) friends went looking. He ended up chosing a ring and a "wrap" wedding band that he would have never even considered before. When the gal at the jeweler sat the solitaire into the "wrap", Adam's face went white as a ghost. That was definitely the sign that THAT was the ring for Cat. It's actually very, very beautiful and that diamond is bigger than mine (I have rock envy now). The next day we went back in to pay for the rings (after Adam sitting down with her parents the night before and asking for their daughter's hand, aaaawwwww), Adam really started getting nervous. Not just a little. He looked like he was going to throw up or pass out. After the "purchase", we had to meet Cat's family for lunch. Adam was trying to hide his anxiety so as not to give it away what was going to happen that evening. He did a poor job. His foot was tapping. His fingers were shaking. You could SEE the anxiety in his eyes. I had to motion to him a few times to settle down or he was going to give it away.

The evening apparently went over exactly as planned. Adam was dressed up in his dress blue uniform and Cat wore her Homecoming dress. He told her that since this was their last date before he left again, that they were going to make it real nice by getting all dressed up! (I gave him an idea on the proposal and he did it!) Following dinner at Applebees (their favorite place), he ordered a desert to share, then after the waitress walked away, he excused himself for a potty run (using this opportunity to give the ring to the waitress). They "drew" a heart shape on an empty plate, put a strawberry on it, and seated the open engagement ring in the center of the plate. When the waitress brought the desert, she set it in front of Adam and the plate with the ring in front of Cat. Adam said as soon as she saw that ring, her eyes got HUGE and started to tear up. Then he popped the ultimate question as he placed the ring on her finger (on one knee of course). I wish I could have seen it. It sounded perfect.

I don't know if it was the proposal or the fact that Adam was in full uniform (or both), but a man down the way paid for their dinner. That was so sweet. When they came back to the house, Cat had perma-grin. I hope the very best for them. I hope they give the engagement enough time so they can have their dream wedding.

SO, back to Adam's departure! He flew out to San Diego, but ended up being diverted to another airport because their was so much fog in San Diego. He called with a little anxiety in his voice, worrying about making that shuttle up to the base. Thankfully he made it to San Diego, but ended up having to wait on the airplane while they found "a place to park". I hope he made his shuttle. I imagine I would have heard from him if he HAD NOT. I don't know how communication is going to be while he is at MCT. I know it's not as strict as boot camp, but they have a lot of work to do in four weeks. He got to take his cell phone so I hope to hear from him a couple times at least. After MCT is where it gets a little weird. His "classes" aren't going to be starting until the new year so he MIGHT get to come home and do six weeks or so of Recruiters Assistance which would mean he would be HOME FOR THE HOLIDAYS!!!! I can hope and pray anyways.

He DID however leave a "wake" with his departure! His barracks (the room he was staying in) was left in shambles and his car is just gross (he trashed it out in the short time he was home, that little booger!). I might just have to text that Marine and chastise him for the mess he left.

Here are some pictures we did while he was home.









...and this one is my favorite!

At Home with my new Marine

Everyone was so glad to get home on Saturday night. It had been a long week for us, I can only imaging how long it was for Adam. Now that he is home, he is starting to relax, A LITTLE. He's still pretty keyed up and anxious. It's hard to get use to. I mean, before the boy couldn't sit still because of his ADHD. Add a lot of boot camp training into that and he never sits still.

I'm very glad that he is home, but I'm feeling a little blue because of it. For one, I know he's going to be leaving again, too soon. Too many people keep asking him about the possibility of him being deployed and I really can't even think about that right now. It scares the life out of me. It turns my soul cold and makes my blood ice. I can't fathom that yet. I'm not ready.

I'm also a little blue because although he is HOME, he's not really been AT home. I barely saw him yesterday at all. He spent the morning with Cat's family at church then spent the afternoon & evening with friends. I know he missed his friends and I certainly can't blaim him for wanting to see them (and they might really HELP him to relax), but I kinda wanted to see him too. I work all day during the week and have several things during some of the evenings this week. I will hardly see him this entire week. That breaks my heart completely. This bites. He spent last night telling all his friends about his boot camp adventures, but when is it his family's turn. I know I'm just being selfish and that is wrong of me. This is Adam's time and he needs to spend it however he wants to. It just hurts. He is right in front of me, yet I can barely see him. I still miss him, even though he is home.

Graduation!

Today was a good day. I will say that. It has also been a day that has made me really think. The morning seemed like forever. I went to the morning "Colors" ceremony at MCRD. It was neat. Then began a long, long wait. Seats in the stands filled up fast so we grabbed a seat and SAT there for over two hours. Thankfully, the weather was over cast and cool (to me, PERFECT). It seemed like an eternity. I was anxious to get through this. I wanted to see my son again and I wanted to stop waiting.

The ceremony started with the San Diego Marine Band. They were magnificent. I couldn't believe how perfect they sounded. As they were finishing up and the announcer started to talk, I saw the men lining up at the end of the parade deck. They began marching towards the stands, each step of every man exactly synchronized. There are few words that can describe the sight. It was completely awe inspiring. I almost teared up and yet had not even seen my son yet. The sheer perfection in each of those men's moves was completely breath taking. They halted in front of the stands, then turned in one awesome sweep. I saw Adam, though he was in the back of the formation and towards the back of the parade deck. I didn't cry. I smiled with all my being. He made it.

When the Lieutenant Colonel addressed the men with a "Good Morning" and they barked back the most amazing "Morning Sir, Ooh Rah", you could feel the passion of every single one of the 583 new Marines. It was again, completely breathtaking. There have been very few moments in my life that I have been speechless in awe. This was one of those moments.

Several more speeches and a parade of the marching band swallowed the next many minutes. The Honor Men were, well honored. The drill instructors and recruiters were given their proper gratitude and appreciation. Then the platoons were led on a march in front of the stands so everyone could truly appreciate all of these amazing young men who had fought their way through thirteen weeks training. All of the families had plenty of opportunities to snap a thousand pictures.

When they announced the dismissal of the new Marines, the crowd went crazy. I still didn't cry, though I wanted to. They would have been tears of joy, but I was determined to keep smiling. I was so happy and proud. It was one of those moments in a mother's life that cannot be put to words. I found Adam in the crowd and wrapped my arms around him so tight. "You did it" I told him. He did. He made it through hell and earned the title of Marine. He was a GREAT Marine.

After we left the depot and got back to the hotel, Adam tried to start to unwind. He was, of course very keyed up. He didn't really know how to "relax". We rested for a bit then decided to hit the mall since I DIDN'T bring him pants that he could wear! (I'm such a bad mom.) He purchased an outfit and once into some comfortable civilian clothes, looked more like Adam.

He is still different though. I cannot deny it and I know I must accept that this is the "new Adam", but it's so hard. I hardly know what to say to him or how to act. I hope that it will be better once we get home. He talked some about a few of the "experiences" he went through and I hope to hear much more. I told him he needed to write down or record everything he can about his experience so that he may remember the things that shaped him. I hope that he never forgets.

He has made a few comments yesterday and today that keep echoing in my head. Yesterday when he was showing my the "Iraqi Freedom" room at the museum he showed us a "home-made" bomb (replica) and said that it was responsible for the most "Marine Kills". Those words used together stung. Then again today, while shopping, he joked about wearing a charm on his dog tags while strutting around Iraq. God, I can't think about that. I cannot bear the thought of my son being deployed. I want to be selfish and tell them he's not allowed to go. I want to keep protecting him, but I can't. All I can do is pray that he stays safe. He is a United States Marine now, property of the United States government. He is our protector now.

I really love the new Adam, but I still miss the old one. He is not my little boy anymore now matter how much I want him back. He is my Marine, now and forever. He is my Hero and I am so proud of him.